Randal Howard Paul
20160220 112731
Senator Paul
Political Party: Republican
Education: Baylor University

Duke University

Religion Presbyterianism
Born January 7, 1963

Randal Howard "Rand" Paul is a Senator from Kentucky who is one of far too many offspring of former representative Ron Paul. He acts like a libertarian, but is still pro-life, however, on a few issues he is smarter than the rest of his party. Kyle Kulinski even lists Rand Paul as the most reasonable Republican. 

The Good

Unlike Ted Cruz, Rand Paul has done a few good things in his life:

The Bad

Dino mammal

Rand Paul thinks the t-rex in this picture had a really big heart.

Aside from all those things, Rand is just another congressional puppet of corporate America. He believes that the government should keep its hands off, which has the grave, (unintended?) consequence of absolute corporate power; inequality, and environmental destruction. He thinks that shutting down the government over Obamacare is a bad idea, but still wants it to happen anyway.[4]

When he went on the Daily Show, he told the lie of the year when he said that a young person might have to pay $15,000 for insurance.[5], even though that's not true[6] [7].

Rand Paul talked about this "dinosaur effect" that supposedly happens to liberals in Washington - "they have small brains, but big hearts."  This proves that Rand Paul has no knowledge of science since brains don't vary in size in humans apart from when growing from age, so how can he assume that Liberals are like dinosaurs in that sense, but not Conservatives? Also, we'll never know how big dinosaur hearts were since the flesh rotted away before the bones fossilised. But if he's talking about dinosaur hearts as in dinosaur compassion, well, we don't think of them as compassionate, either. It's actually ironic that Paul wrote a book called Government Bullies.  Apparently, these government bullies have really big hearts. 

In October 13th, Rand Paul gave an anti-abortion speech. Soon after, Rachel Maddow reported that large parts of his speech were plagiarized from Wikipedia. Facing these allegations, Rand Paul reacted how any sane Human Being would, and challenged Maddow to a duel.

The Ugly

Here we're parodying Conservapedia and we know we're exaggerating.

When little Rand was growing up in The Land of Suppression, Daddy always told him that it was perfectly OK to believe that white men are the superior people. He taught Rand this through both his words and his actions: he made sure to show little Rand his racist newsletters; and made sure that Rand was the first to read the rough copy of his keynote speech at an Anti-Semitic conference. 

As Rand grew older, he knew he wanted to follow in his Daddy's footsteps, both as a politician and an all-purpose bigot. This was not the stupid liberal land of California or New York, but the Bible Belt: the place where non-evangelicals, Catholics, homosexuals and non-whites are shunned. Rand had no worries. Paula Dean, Daddy, Mommy, George W. Bush, and all their friends would understand.

Rand took on Jack Hunter, a neo-Confederate, as a co-author for his book The Tea Party Goes to Washington. Who cared that Hunter celebrates John Wilkes Booth's birthday? Rand didn't.

He didn't fire his campaign spokesman who had a "Happy N----r day!" on his MySpace wall. Instead, he just waited for him to resign himself. [8]

As a part of their "No Government-Ever" rule, Ron and Rand opposed the Civil Rights Act because it interfered with States' Rights. Because white state governments elected via voter suppression are more important than citizens. Rand took it back, but probably because he was dreaming of the White House....[9]

Rand also never cared much for women, just like his Daddy, who always taught him that an exception to the "no government-ever" rule should be made regarding their healthcare.



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