The Labour Party, led by Jeremy Corbyn, is one of the two largest parties in the United Kingdom and was the ruling party from 1997 to 2010. Though the party was founded on Democratic Socialist values in 1900, and remained staunchly left-wing for the majority of the 20th Century, they abandoned
some most of their leftist ideals for a more populist, centrist approach in the 90s, abandoned the Socialist elements of their constitution - most notably Clause IV -, and labelled themselves "New Labour" or "Nu Labor" in many parts of England and Scotland. This won them the election.
Prime Ministers Gordon Brown and Tony Blair were both New Labour. Though Brown was somewhat more inclined to the Old Labour Democratic Socialist ways than the populist, smarmy git Blair. And, unlike Blair, Brown was a pretty decent guy. Brown also moved away from new labour.
They are the party of the trade unions. Despite Blair claiming he had no idea who they were and that he was with someone else.
- 1 History
- 2 Footnotes
Labour was founded by a Democratic Socialist and a Scotsman (those two words being almost synonymous), Keir Hardie, along with others, as an amalgamation of several 19th Century left-wing parties, such as the Social Democratic Federation and the Scottish Labour Party.
OMG! We got elected!
After winning 191 MPs in the 1923 General Election, Labour finally defeated the Tories and got Britain its first-ever Democratic Socialist Prime Minister: Ramsay MacDonald, who was, you guessed it, a Scotsman.
But there was a catch: they had a minority in parliament. That meant poor old Ramsay and his comrades couldn't pass any darn Democratic Socialist legislation because those God damn Liberals kept shooting it down. Thus, Ramsay had to portray Labour as moderate. Didn't mean he had to like it.
However, the Conservative Party swooped in in a three-cornered hat and accused Ramsay and Labour of Communist trickery, showing parliament a letter implicating the entire membership of the Labour Party in a Communist plot to take over Britain.
The British population had an attack of the stupids and believed them, and voted the Tories back into power.
In the 1929 General Election Labour won 287 seats, becoming the largest party in parliament. However, the Liberals were up to no good again, forcing Labour to form a coalition government with them. The Conservatives sat in the corner, sulking and plotting another Communist conspiracy. Ramsay appointed the first-ever woman (no, not Eve) to his cabinet. The 1929 election was the first election in Britain with universal suffrage (discluding moronic children that don't understand politics).
Unfortunately, Ramsay forgot that God still hated him, and Wall Street crashed a few months later, starting off the Great Depression. By the end of 1930 unemployment had doubled to over two and a half million, and Ramsay had no idea what to do since Socialism requires employment. Grudgingly, Ramsay, Labour, and the Liberals formed a "National Government" with the Conservatives, who were laughing.
This made Labour very, very angry. So they kicked out Ramsay and subsequently lost the next election.
Keep your friends close... keep your enemies in Germany
Labour spent the next decade being the opposition until, suddenly, Hitler invaded Poland.
Labour formed a coalition in 1940 government with Churchill and his cronies.
After Churchill won WW II
single-handedly with quite a bit of significantly belated help from the United States (and some even say the USSR took part in the war. On our side!), Labour was without a common enemy and promptly switched back to hating the Tories. Subsequently, Labour won the next election, with Clement Attlee becoming the next Prime Minister.
Attlee, being radical, immediately nationalised the Bank of England, coal mining, the steel industry, electricity, gas, telephones, transport, and shipbuilding. Then, to add insult to injury, he went and Socialized medicine.
They won the 1950 election by a whisker but lost the 1951 election and Labour then spent 13 years in opposition.
The National Health Service has been an enduring success. Nuclear power, too, except in Ukraine. And Japan. Twice. But they don't pay taxes to the civil list, so screw'em.
Labour returned to power from 1964 to 1970 under Harold Wilson, the economic mistakes and over centralism of the Attlee government were repeated, and much of the coal mining industry was closed down. But Wilson kept Britain out of the Vietnam War, and his Home Secretary
LeRoy Jenkins was to be the greatest radical Home Secretary of the 20th Century. Divorce became possible for ordinary people, Abortion and Homosexuality were both legalised and the Death penalty was abolished.
Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's The 70s
In 1970, the Conservative Party had had enough of Wilson's commie bullcrap and got themselves re-elected into government. Unfortunately for them, God was still in the mood for Labour and decided to throw the 1970s at them. Trouble from those wacky IRA types in Northern Ireland, the 1973 oil crisis,
minor miner strike and a general election in 1974. They lost.
Wilson, back in black, suddenly realised what a swell idea joining the EEC was and decided those French bureaucrats weren't so bad after all. Unfortunately, the rest of Labour didn't agree, and the friction caused a major division for many years to come until they realised that the EU were the good guys and er someone else was the real enemy.
Tired of all this petty Democratic Socialist bickering, Wilson stepped down. James 'Right-Wing' Callaghan took his place, and to the surprise of many removed several left-wingers from the cabinet. Little did he know, the cabinet was Labour and thus entirely left-wing. He almost removed himself before realising he was being a douche.
Suddenly, Scotland had had enough of his bullcrap and two Scotch Labour MPs bailed to form the Scottish Labour Party. They were commended for their imagination.
After the quota for economic hardships was filled for the decade, Scotland decided to fuck everything up some more by demanding devolution (a Scottish parliament... crazy, right?) and supporting the SNP some more. Callaghan
loarst lost an election to the Tories.
Suddenly, Tories! Millions of them!
Say hello to the Thatcher government, wherein no men with beards are allowed - for the chin is the window to the soul - and "Socialism" is an acceptable explanation for any problem that may arise. This is perpetually the case until 1997.
Where Attlee and Wilson had worked on actually governing the country, Margaret Thatcher couldn't be bothered and thought it'd be cool to sell the government; and just about everything that belonged to the government, except Wales, which she kept as her
minor miner hunting grounds, and the Falkland Islands, which she just had a thing for some reason.
Sadly, Argentina also had a thing for the Falklands -we don't know what this could have been, it's not like they had any hot chicks or oil or anything- and, given that they were lying right next to it, decided to steal them. Margaret got all clingy and sent over 9000 Royal Marines to royally kick Argentina's arse in a long and costly war after which the Falklands were reclaimed and the two seabirds that populated the islands did rejoice.
On top of that, the 80s had Ronald Reagan, terrible hairdo's, a Flock of Seagulls and the birth of every Liberapedia editor. And lo, God and the electorate thereby decreed that the 80s would be the most monumental and lasting example of pure and unadulterated suck that ever was.
Brian Cox is a respected doctor in astrophysics and veritible DILF, but before that, he played the keyboard in the little-known pop band D:ream. That is, they were little-known until they became the battle anthem of a dashing, young, up-and-coming bloke from Edinburgh destined to lead the Labour Party into a new era of privatisation, spending cuts, and killing Muslims.
Such was New Labour. Blair thought Margaret Thatcher's plan to sell the government was actually a pretty neat idea. Thus, he beat the Tories in the 1997 election by pretending to be the Tories.
Now that Blair and New Labour had lots of new friends in the middle class, they decided to ditch the trade unions whom they had previously championed, along with the entire idea of the Labour Party - the term now having more in common with a boisterous celebration during childbirth than any notion of Socialism.
Back In Iraq
Blair also made good buddies with a certain Bush and, with that Bush, decided to fuck the world over several times by invading Afghanistan and Iraq, the latter on no grounds whatsoever. On top of that, any filthy Arabs that had found their way into Great Britain were put under control and all Mosques were converted into helicopter pads, entirely free of helicopters.
Despite the invasions and curb-stomping of civil liberties, Blair's Labour was elected three more times before being kicked out after the far more intelligent and capable Gordon Brown took over.
On A Mission In Opposition
Gordon Brown resigned, having realised far too late that politics wasn't actually about the government of the country, rather it was about agreeing with Nick or, more appropriately, Nick's hair.
So it was that the one-eyed Scottish idiot was forced from government and the publicly schooled dynamic duo of
Tony Blair David Cameron and Tony Blair Nick Clegg took the reigns, only to give them over to a bunch of health insurance companies and Andrew Lansley.
After Brown's resignation, there was then a heated race for the party leadership. The main candidates were Ed Balls, Ed Miliband, whose name was also Ed, David Miliband, whose name was also Miliband, and Diane Abbot, who was a black, female, left-winger. God knows what she thought she was doing trying to run for the leadership of a party founded on the ideals of Socialism and equality.
David Ed Balls Miliband won, and Diane Abbot went back to appearing on This Week. Ed, after taking power, promised to change Labour for the better. He kept the surprise really well hidden.
After failing to win the 2015 general election after being unable to eat a bacon sandwich without dribbling. Milliband slipped over and stood down. Now after a leader candidate race of nobodies they have appointed Jeremy
Wan Kenobi Corbyn from the far left of the left, he will, of course, endeavour to return us to a country of wooden clothes pegs and leaving the back door unlocked.