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the Political Philosophy
A conservative is anyone who opposes liberals, opposes change, stands up for traditional, even archaic, principles and fears anything that is new or different.
"Conservatives are usually mad at the damned liberals, because the latter may, by sheer presence, threaten the equilibrium of the Universe, and therefore inadvertently bring forth dark forces from lower planes. In self-defense, any righteous conservatives, therefore have to attack anything that even remotely might threaten the moral majority and their young innocent children from any deviation from The Truth." 
Conservatism is the ideology of putting oneself before others, bullying those who are weaker than you, discriminating against those who look or behave differently from you. Conservatives give more to those who give them the most and take from those who have the least. Conservatism is a very limited perspective that is initially self-serving, but ultimately contributes to the practitioner living an unfulfilled life, and harming all those that he/she comes into contact
Conservatives believe in the value of Faith. We Liberals have no problem with religious faith, as long as it isn't forced onto the rest of us. Unfortunately, Conservatives believe in Faith-based Economics as well, and we don't mean Christian-economics. Despite the unfortunate history of Laissez-faire economics, Conservatives have faith that only laissez-faire can provide the most general welfare to society. In a rare moment of Republican Candor, George H. W. Bush referred to Ronald Regan's Neoconservative economics as "voodoo economics".
Public spending and poverty
Conservative philosophy on public spending and poverty is as follows: "Poor people are used to having no money, so there is no reason why the government needs to give them any." This philosophy extends to all forms of money, including social programs, or programs to help poor people rise above poverty. It's assumed poor people are at fault.
Conservatives and religion
- Conservatives, especially in the Bible Belt by nature find it hard to be moral, requiring fear of punishment to refrain from doing evil, and promises of reward for doing good. This is provided to them primarily via religion. Rather than being charitable, honest and kind out of simple human decency, they require the reward of 'eternal life' to motivate them. Unlike liberals who intrinsically understand common morals, conservatives need an authority to tell them that it is wrong to kill, steal, lie, commit adultery and covet. That authority is typically a bearded old man, who may or may not exist, called 'God'.
- American Conservatives believe that America is the only country in the world and do not value any human lives other than their own. Conservatives think 'supporting the troops' means sending them to die in foreign countries. Conservatives vocally support but are usually too big pussies to actually fight in wars themselves. This is an example of hypocrisy, a cornerstone of conservative ideology.
- They do not believe in government financial aid and generally oppose welfare and free/cheap government-funded medical aid. Even more, they oppose Universal Health Care. They think war to gain business opportunities and oil is more important than education and healthcare. They believe the government should fight wars to provide business opportunities for their friends, and that government should protect their friends' businesses, but that businesses shouldn't have to pay for all the things they get from our government and society. They believe that rich people and businesses should be allowed to do whatever they want without government regulation. They believe the government should create new monopoly business opportunities for their friends by privatizing things the government does now. They believe in lowering taxes on rich people and businesses. They believe that
all moneymost of the money should belong to them, along with all power. They believe that the poor are poor because they are stupid, lazy, or born in a Third World country, and to solve the latter problem, ship jobs off to Third World countries. Many Conservatives define themselves as "Republicans". (Paradoxically, in the United Kingdom most "republicans" (note the small 'r') define themselves as "Socialists", this is because the UK republican movement's aim is to abolish the Monarchy and have an elected president to lead the country, more in line with modern progressive beliefs.) Conservatives tend to side with intolerance over public safety and legislation. Ironically, the USA may well have been better off, politically speaking, had they not had their Revolutionary fit: the UK is generally much, MUCH less Conservative than the USA.
Today the United Kingdom is much more liberal than the United States but without the American Revolutionary War, neither country would have developed Parliamentary democracy.
- American Conservatives oppose gun control and often support an extreme interpretation of the Second Amendment. You should use guns to defend yourself (unless you are a person of color) and if anyone else uses guns to kill you, your family, anyone you care about hard luck. Conservatives believe in the Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms, as long as such possession does not threaten national security (provided Conservatives are in control of the nation; otherwise arms are a threat to national security and are considered a Popular Movement.) What about school shootings and the like? Hard luck.
- Conservatives believe that a shitty actor called Ronald Reagan was a greater American than George Washington.
- They think that if you give tax cuts to the richest one percent of Americans, the people who need tax cuts the very least, somehow the middle-class will benefit. They believe that the American poor have too much and that the rich have too little. They think that Robin Hood was a villain.
- Conservatives believe that healthcare is a privilege, not a right, and would rather spend billions on bombs and finding ways to kill people, than on finding ways to heal them. Paradoxically, they also claim to worship a man named Jesus, who was famed for healing the sick free of charge and never tolerated human violence, even in self-defense.
- Conservatives believe that they can eat money, and so it doesn't matter if humans spoil the planet for all future generations, as long as they get rich doing it.
- Some Conservatives think that global warming is a 'hoax' (even though there's ample evidence saying otherwise), that the Earth is six thousand years old (even though there's ample evidence against THAT as well) and that scientists have less credibility than priests. They think that religious dogma and superstition is better than the scientific method.
- Conservatives are sexist and racist. They believe that men are superior to women and that darker-skinned humans are inferior to lighter-skinned ones. They believe that different races have different intrinsic qualities that cannot be altered, even though scientists have known for decades that race is an entirely social construct with no basis or relation to human biology. They think that the government should have the right to tell a woman what she can or cannot do with her body and that if she is impregnated as a result of rape, she is morally obligated to birth the child.
- Conservatives are insecure about their sexuality and think sex is unclean and shameful, then from time to time one or other of them is caught being a Sexual hypocrite. They preach the utterly illogical, emotionally repressive and historically ineffective policy of 'Abstinence' over safe-sex. They would rather ban sex, one of the greatest aspects of the human experience altogether than simply teach youth how to partake in it safely. Conservatives are almost never a good lay, and have not heard of or tried anything other than the missionary position. Divorce and domestic violence rates are highest in conservative, marriage-hyping, red states and this is believed to be a major contributing factor. They believe that if women, especially conservative women, watch porn rather than make love to their husbands, their husbands should punch them around for it and show them who they belong to. Same goes for watching movies like Magic Mike, going to male strip clubs, or anything that involves hunky men, or himbos, even when they appear inadequate. In other words, conservatives shame women for objectifying men and pursuing them by calling them sluts, whores, tramps, cunts, etc. as well as calling them bitches, dykes, or ball-busters for being in charge of them. They believe that a man should be in charge and be decisive, not the woman, which means they believe in strict, separate gender roles for both men and women. Nothing is equal in marriage. The man is the boss while the woman obeys. Anyone who deviates from their assigned gender role is considered undesirable and deserves mistreatment.
- Conservatives believe that gay people 'chose to be that way' because they think that people would make a conscious choice to join a class of citizens who are regularly discriminated against, unjustly victimized and in extreme cases even murdered. Every 6 months or so, a gay-bashing conservative Republican will get caught having or trying to solicit gay sex. Hilarity usually ensues, at least for liberals.
- When a conservative watches 'Star Wars' he thinks that Darth Vader is the hero and that the Empire is the good side.
- Conservatives can never defeat liberals in open and honest discussion because they are never right about anything. Beliefs and policies they have defended in the past include, 'the sun revolves around the earth', 'burn the witches', 'the world is flat', 'slavery is okay', 'separate but equal', 'women shouldn't vote', and 'they have weapons of mass destruction' just to name some of their greatest hits.
- History reveals that virtually every incorrect, cruel and stupid political idea was proposed and defended by conservatives, while every idea that is cherished and now taken to be completely self-evident was liberal. Despotic tyrants like Adolf Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, and Kim Jung Il were/are all extremely conservative, while figures beloved the world over such as Jesus, Gandhi and Martin Luther King were all markedly liberal.
- When conservatives realize they can't beat someone, they simply kill them. Many great liberals have been assassinated or murdered throughout history. There were Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Harvey Milk, and John Lennon just to name a few. Now try to think of some conservative leaders who have been assassinated... Wait... There aren't any. Conservative dicks like George Bush, (father and son) and Dick Cheney only ever work to protect the status quo, and thus must never fear political assassination.
- Conservatives believe that the Constitution is a work of 'suggestions', not inviolable principles, and they side step it or try to find loopholes whenever constitutional limits on authority become inconvenient for them.
- There is a reason that America is often referred to as the first 'liberal democracy', and never as a conservative one.
- Conservatives have never contributed to America in any beneficial way. In the Revolutionary war, they would have sided with the British and Conservatives at the time did side with the British. (Ironically, the USA may well have been better off, politically speaking, had they not had their Revolutionary fit: the UK is generally much, MUCH less Conservative than the USA).
- US Conservatives believe that Communism and Socialism are one and the same.
Most conservatives claim their principles are:
- Checking change on tradition, Conservatives imagine the 19th Century was much better than the 21st Century.
- A strong military and starting wars in places like Iraq, making things worse.
- Requiring religion and superstition in public schools
- Running the economy so far too much gets into the hands of the rich
- Stronger law enforcement and anti-crime laws, including the death penalty, they like to punish people, don't care much about helping criminals to reform, and love stripping voting rights from poor brown people.
- Suggesting parents, rather than school teachers, educate children about sex. If parents don’t educate properly, oh well, more parents.
- Choice in education for wealthy people, especially favoring private schools and homeschooling If homeschooled kids aren’t properly educated, and if public schools lose funding and can no longer educate as well, that’s hard luck.
- Private medical care and retirement plans. They tend to be against Universal health care.
- Weakening or cancellation of social support programs.
- Prohibition of abortion
- Prohibition of Marijuana.
- Alcohol and Tobacco are okay though, even though weed is scientifically slightly safer than alcohol and cigs.
- Opposition to same-sex marriage and homosexuals
- Support of laws against pornography. In spite of this porn is popular in the Bible Belt.
- Generally opposed to the United Nations
- Support stricter enforcement of current laws regarding immigrants while reducing enforcement of laws regarding illegal employers
- Support stricter border security, the militarization of the border, and concentration camps for asylum seekers
- Jingoism, support for getting soldiers killed
- Low taxes, especially in upper-income brackets. This goes with not helping those who need help.
- Raising taxes on the poorest Americans.
- They claim the 1950s was a time of economic boom and oppose high taxes and low minimum wage... yet the 50s were when taxes were at their highest and the minimum wage then had more purchasing power than it does now.
- Less power for the federal government and a smidge more power for local and state governments
- Systemic Racism
- Note: From 1854-1908, "Republican" still had the meaning Lincoln intended, which is "liberal." From 1909 onward, it meant "Conservative."
- A persistent belief that strongly held and oft-repeated ideas have a stronger influence on reality than, well, reality.
- A persistent belief that repeating opinions frequently and often on social media will make them facts. (Hey it worked for that fast food restaurant, right?)
Note: Paleoconservatives do not support war.
People Conservatives Hate
Needless to say, conservatives hate a lot of people (hate and fear are sort of their "thing"), including, but not at all limited to, the following:
- Poor people
- Men with long hair RationalWiki on Conservatives
- Women with short hair
- Heterosexuals who use contraception
- Gay rights activists
- Adulterers (unless it's them) (Mostly female ones called adulteresses who they shame and punish often)
- Tax collectors
- The Girl Scouts
- Abortion doctors
- Women who have abortions
- Children who weren't aborted
- Moderates (duh)
- Liberals (More duh!)
- Progressives (SO much DUH, that if DUH was porn, you could wank to it FA DAYZ!)
- Libertarians (Except on taxes)
- Union Workers
- Paleoconservatives (For Neocons)
- Neoconservatives (For Paleocons)
- People who don't put up with their bullshit
- Big Bird
- Rock n Roll androgyny, glam rock, punk, new wave, indie rock, Little Richard, Bowie, Prince, MJ, etc!
- Neil Young
- Rebellious youngsters (get off my lawn!)
- Beautiful effeminate boys with makeup and fewer body hairs
Breeds of Conservatives
As with any large grouping or community, there are a few different types of conservatives, see NACALT.
It must be noted that while we poke fun at Conservatives, they are not all terrible people. In fact, rarely does Political Ideology have sway over how one acts towards another, save for conversations about or around Politics. However, the evangelical ones at Conservapedia are, so prepare for a healthy dose of satire.
An Old Conservative tends to be old (obviously), bald and Greying, and a worshipper of Satan, while pretending to be a Christian to appeal more to the conservative masses. They have also been known to carry flasks with oil in them to drink when thirsty and briefcases containing blood diamonds. In America, many Republicans are typical Old Conservatives, while their children and grandchildren are often young conservatives. Also in America, Old Conservatives should not be mistaken for Traditional Conservatives. Traditional Conservatives are rumored to be extinct.
A Middle Conservative is a conservative in the middle class of society. They tend to favour conservatism because of their hate to give their money to poor people. Middle conservatives who hold jobs in managerial positions at conglomerates can also be referred to as managerial conservatives.
Young Conservatives are conservatives of a younger generation than the traditional Republican conservative, however, young conservatives gradually become old conservatives with time. Young Conservatives sometimes adopt "liberal" policies on social matters for mass appeal as they are more in touch with a younger generation than old Conservatives. However, once in power, they will Tax you into Poverty while cutting taxes for Rich people. A noteworthy example of a young conservative is British Conservative Party leader David Cameron.
The moderates are a relatively rare breed in America at this point, partly because moderates are tarred as RINOs by their crazier counterparts. The main difference between moderates and Reaganites is that moderates are usually socially liberal, and fiscally center-right, able to be conservative without going crazy and were even able to work with non-Republicans to find workable solutions. Meanwhile, the Reaganites are on the fiscal far-right and tend to be at the very least center-right on social issues. Moderates, as social liberals, usually support secularism, while Reaganites can border on dominionism. Finally, while moderates have actual platforms, Reaganites often just preach about how "teh evul leebrals r destroyin' #MAGA on noes" and how, for no apparent reason, Jesus was a full-on wingnut, while in the actual scriptures, fiscally he was a socialist, and his social views are hard to pin down.
Hillbillies are Americans who typically come from the Southern States of America. They tend to live in caravans and are seen in popular cultures as surviving through inbreeding. Hillbillies tend to support conservatism because of its traditional intolerance of Black people. Commonly mistaken for Redneck but not the same as the definition of a redneck is a lack of sophistication. The fact most rednecks live in areas populated by conservatives is partly a coincidence though worldwide rural people tend to be Conservative, and there are allegedly liberal rednecks, mostly in Minnesota and other Great lakes bordering states.
An Evangelical Conservative believes that if you are not a devout Christian that follows the Bible by the letter, you will go to Hell when you die. They tend to support conservatism because of its traditional advocacy of straitlacedness (I don't know if that's a real word) in social matters while rejecting typical liberalism because of its support for things like "gender equality" and "freedom of religion" (such commies). See Christian fundamentalism.
Conservapedians are evangelical conservatives who run a website called Conservapedia. However, they are different from evangelical conservatives in that they take an interest in world politics rather than just religion. If you do not hold the exact same views as them, or try and provide a rational argument against any of their ideas, you will find yourself blocked for five years or more. Typical Conservapedians also NEVER EVER EVER admit fault or defeat. Some different types of Conservatives such as John McCain will admit defeat as McCain graciously did after losing the 2008 US presidential election to Barack Obama. Conservapedians, however, do not, as there is not one praising comment on their website to Barack Obama (now their president), and very few, if any at all, to other liberals.
A Conservative Atheist is the name given to any conservative who classes themselves as an atheist but holds conservative beliefs. These are very rare, usually classifying themselves as "Libertarian" as most do not think that gays should be stoned (Ayn Rand may be an exception). They are usually more liberal than an average conservative, simply because they don't believe in creationism, God, and the idea that being a homosexual is a disease, though they do support war, vote for conservatives and hate progressive taxes. Arthur Schopenhauer was a conservative atheist.
Can we find anything nice about Conservatives?
President Obama is in favor of inclusiveness. Question: Does that mean we should really try and see if we can find anything at all that's nice about Conservatives? Reply: Conservatives would undoubtedly find that extremely gay and prefer we say something mean about liberals. They are mostly a bunch of bigoted bell... well nevermind... the conservatives I mean.
Conservatives are often extraordinarily sore losers because they know that their ideas are losing for good and new ideas will inevitably take over in the end.
The conservative revival
Conservatives are a dying breed, by definition, and yet their numbers are quickly growing. Why? Professor Herman Swaotzer  believes this is because ideas keep falling out of fashion and into tradition. "Fifty years ago you were a liberal if you thought dancing was not an open invitation to the Succubus." (Of course, Dr. Swaotzer is referring to the US, if you don't know by now that you should always assume this, for anything written in American.) "With the proliferations of the internets, liberal trends have to swim faster than ever to maintain their novelty. In addition, good ideas are more quickly being assimilated into tradition, while liberals are left trying to defend the freakish remains."
The Origin of Conservatism
Scientists believe conservatism was a type of humor that was very popular at the end of the 18th Century. Rich and influential, but mentally ass-backward politicians took it seriously and started the Right-Wing movement. Soon, the Church joined it and spread it through the world infecting the economy thereby reducing all social and economic progress.
- George W. Bush
- Rush Limbaugh
- Ann Coulter
- Andrew Schlafly and most other members of the Schlafly family
- Any "concerned mother"
- Dick Cheney
- Adolf Hitler
- Hal Turner
- Andrew Sullivan (he's now a libertarian conservative)
- Ronald Reagan (Used to be, but now is not, as he is dead)
- Tricky Dick
- Rick Warren
- Anyone who still thinks America should still be, or should ever have even invaded, Iraq
- John McCain
- Sarah Palin
- Mitt Romney
- Fred Phelps
- Pat Robertson
- Pope Benedict XVI
- Margaret Thatcher
- Osama bin Laden
- Glenn Beck
- Lord Voldemort
- Chuck Norris
- Joseph McCarthy
- Joseph Stalin
- Ayatollah Khomeini
- Most religious fundamentalists
- Vincent Gallo
- Mean teachers
- Abusive parents
- Donald Trump
- Horrible bosses (both real life ones and the three in the movie)
- Army Sergeants
- People who make unnecessary rules and policies