Big Boss

Origins
No one knows where Big Boss came from. Not even Hideo Kojima. But what is certain is that Big Boss is Japanese-American-Vietnamese-British (but only 1% because he once ate a stereotypical British man when he called USA a fat nation). So we can be sure that Big Boss created Japan, the United Spades of America, Chinaland, and Viet-fucking-nam before he was there. He is very fond of the Dutch and their countries The Netherlands and Amsterdam. The main reason he loves something with such a strange way to communicate is the fact the Dutch accept that everyone deep down likes the use of forbidden items.

When he was once asked by his mentor, The Boss (also known as Meryl Von Trapp) where he came from, he told this story:

''Once long ago, God and Oscar Wilde were lounging about on the void, using all the power they had to come up with Jack Bauer. However, a voice inside Oscar Wilde's head (which was actually Christopher Walken) was telling him to bite into the void and see what happens. So Oscar Wilde giving in after having his brain stabbed with a spork, bit the void. However this was a rouse. All 3 of them realized at that very moment that they were sitting on Big Boss's eye patch! So Big Boss woke up after sleeping from 56,789,434,754,937,353,974,513,245,754,824,757,684,245 TTD till the end of time and time started all over again. When he woke up he created everything; slapped Oscar Wilde so hard he turned gay and slapped Christopher Walken so hard he gave him his only weakness, his addiction to Tacos.''

When his mentor said how that wasn't the story of how he was created and just something about him kicking ass, she CQC'd Big Boss into the ground. Eventually, Big Boss shot her in the head with a GUN. He took his beloved M1911A1, the gift from EVA, and made love to it. And it has never left his side since, nor has it been seen since, because if you see the M1911A1, you will be subject to greed and most likely be killed by Big Boss in self-defense.

Shagohod Naked: Food Eater
Big Boss, is as already established (if not), as badass as Solid Snake. But he wasn't always The Big Motherfuckin' Boss, once they called him Naked Snake, because he could do any mission naked, and preferred to.

In this operation, you are in two missions. First is the Virtual Mission, which is basically the same exact thing as Operation Food Eater, except The Boss breaks you into four pieces. In Operation Food Eater, Snake has to kill the only person he ever loved. The Boss. A bunch of retarded freaks are backin' her sexy ass up such as: The Beehive Head (with the power of stinging!), The Most Saddest Ghost (with the power of not being jolly :( !), The Sniper Claus (with the power of napping and not waking up!), The Frustrated (with the power of becoming a fire astronaut!), and The OMGscary (with the power of of yelling THE OMGSCARY!!! in innaprppriate times... and trees!). This one chick, EVA, tried to fool Snake but he played along just to get some. Ocelot, and his entire team got beat up by an unarmed Snake, who then told Ocelot he was a tard and that he should use revolvers. This gay pervert Volgin tried to take over the world or something, but Snake got Zeus to take him out once he got annoying. Ocelot shot Snake in the eye accidentally, that jerk, but Snake didn't care because he didn't use that one. Turns out Ocelot knew what was going on all along anyway, as always, and just liked ruining people's shit for no reason, that jerk.

Turns out The Boss had to do all she did to save the world, even die at Snake's hand. This was probably the saddest thing in the world, which is why Snake (now Big Boss) shed one solitary, devastatingly melancholic, extremely BADASS TEAR!!!. It seriously was really goddamn depressing. I guess you had to be there. But you weren't, asshole, and she died for you.

ICBMG Big: Portable Missions
In 1970, Big Boss set out using his super ultimate posse of badass niggas known as FOXHOUND to try and fix our crappy planet by creating a new nation where Big Boss could live and rule the Earth peacefully. Unfortunately, but luckily for the universe, in the late nineties, Big Boss invited his cool son Solid Snake to come along, and as such the universe imploded. Big Boss, easily fixed this, but was put off from trying to help the world for a while by the UN, until three years later when he tried to create another level of heaven called Outer Heaven, thinking that maybe the super coolest people who have ever died would be able to hang out with him, however when Kevin Smith tried to get in (died of a heart attack), heaven exploded, rekilling everyone and ending Outer Heaven.

Then all of a sudden, the American Government decided to be even bigger assholes, and got all of Big Boss' mates to rebel and cruise on down to some shithole Russian base filled with easily persudable guards. While there, he killed some Stupid Mr. Freeze rip-off, some lame as Ninja with half a face, a black pirate king and some freaky Commander guy who biffs knives at people. Not to mention a Metal Gear, piloted by some emo girl who really needed to die earlier on cause she won't shutup.

Chuck Norris Big: The Norris/Boss War
It is not known why these two titans hate each other. One would logically think that they would be great friends, because their combined powers would create a force that nothing in the known universe could stop. Sadly, they do hate one another.

A prequel set sometime in the eighties, Big Boss made a macaroni painting for Chuck Norris, but then Chuck slapped the painting out of his hands and ripped it in a million pieces. Big Boss then vowed to one day kill Chuck Norris if it's the last thing he'll do.

In the year 3010, Big Boss finally came around to challenging Chuck Norris for revenge, as they are both very busy men and this was the only time where they both had spaces in their schedules. They both agreed to fight on the surface of the Jupiter moon Titan, for they knew both that the name was very suiting for their battle, and if they were to fight on the Earth it would more then likely be destroyed.

When they got to the moon, they both bowed honorably and then took their stances. Big Boss launched with a right hook to Chuck Norris’s beard, and the resulting explosion resulted in the destruction of the planetoid they were on. Both embarrassed, they awkwardly shifted to Jupiter’s next moon Io, were the fight resumed. Chuck Norris initiated a devastating left knee to Big Boss’s chest, and hence, Io was gone as well.

Looking around self-consciously to make sure nobody was watching, they both agreered they had better fight on something a little more sturdy then a moon, and chose next to fight on the surface of Jupiter itself. Surely the biggest planet in the solar system could handle their awesomeness right? But alas, when the fight recommenced and Big Boss blocked one of Chuck Norris’s side kicks, Jupiter too exploded in a great ball of fire.

Now both incredibly pissed off they decided to give it one last shot, fighting on the surface of the sun itself. Sure the heat melted their spaceship, so they had to walk back. Finally the fight picked back up where they left off, and they started to circle each other while insulting each other about their respective mothers “fatness”. The childish name calling ended when Chuck Norris did a roundhouse kick as hard as he could, at the exact same moment Big Boss did a CQC as hard as he could. Not only was the sun destroyed but the rest of the universe as well... this happens way too often.

Now with nothing left to fight on, they had only one choice, actually talk to each other and settle their differences. After a lengthy three year discussion while they rebuilt the universe, they came to a settlement; Chuck Norris would buy any upcoming Metal Gear games, as long as Big Boss also bought the Walker Texas Ranger box sets. They shook hands and the war ended on that day... well actually it offically ended three days later.

Chuck Norris and Big Boss have been friends ever since. Well… at least they're not at war…

But Big Boss knew that he was better than Chuck Norris, as evident by reading the Big Boss facts. Secondly, The Big Boss/Chuck Norris paradox further supports the theory that Big Boss is better than Chuck Norris. The diagram also suggests Big Boss defeated Chuck Norris. This is true. Big Boss kicked off Chuck Norris's head, blowing up on impact in some area which was later known as The Grand Canyon.

300 Big: Sparta
Big Boss plays a key role in the 2007 film 300. Director Zack Snyder, begged Big Boss to play the character of Dilios, a Spartan Warrior and also the pussy who flees from battle to go cry to the council then bitch about the crap they put up with in the war. Big Boss initially refused arguing that the character would make him seem weak, and afraid of battle, another issue was the use of a prosthetic eye. Snyder responded by trying to appeal to Big Boss' humble side; we all know that Big Boss has no humble side, so after Synder was CQC'd into the ground, the force of the impact ironically creating the scene that was to be used for the film's battle sequences, the two came to a mutal agreement, that if Big Boss were to play Dilios, half-way through the film his prosthetic eye would be removed.

Sadly for Big Boss, the film proved to be rather uninteresting due to his immense physical superiority, he was described by the other cast members while fighting the Persians as,

'A man who makes the enemy seem like Guinea Pigs being crushed helplessly beneath his feet. The Persians all the while making strange quadrupedal twitching movements, and sounds like: WRrreeEeEEe! SQUEEeeeAk! wrRRRReeeAAkkEEAmmMeee!.'

Synder told Big Boss that if he did not act like a normal man he would be fired. Big Boss once again CQC'd Synder which was captured on film and was used and disguised as one of the Persians falling into the sea.

It is now virtually impossible to find the remains of Zack Synder; after filming was complete, Big Boss climbed down the cliff to see if his former director has survived his second onslaught. No one knows what happened down there, but there are numerous reports of blood chilling screams as well as Big Boss saying, "Mmm... I want more!"

Big Boss Facts, and How and Why Big Boss is better than Chuck Norris
Basically, there are a few things you need to know about Big Boss. Knowing these of course means you will be dead within a few seconds, but not knowing them means you've been dead forever. And no one wants to be a zombie.

While it is widely known, Big Boss is actually the best, hands-down, around and in town, certain groups and people still believe Chuck Norris is superior. However, certain facts have arisen as of late, proving Big Boss' domination, and sentencing Norris to a life time of pathetic Second Place. We would've awarded Bruce Lee with 1st place but currently he is not in this dimension.


 * After Chuck Norris was born he roundhouse kicked every doctor in the face and exclaimed" nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris", shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Big Boss delivered his self and he was born with a beard.


 * Chuck Norris can read minds. Big Boss can't, but only because he doesn't care what you think.


 * Chuck Norris beat Metal Gear Solid in 6 hours. That doesn't sound impressive, but you have to note he was using the TV remote at the time. Logically however seeing as Big Boss is part of the Metal Gear games, he must have beat them instantly without even doing anything.


 * If it smells like chicken, and tastes like chicken and looks like chicken and Chuck Norris says it's beef, then it's beef. Big Boss is never wrong about what type of meat it is.


 * Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter. Big Boss decided it was not butter.


 * Give Chuck Norris two minutes, and he can take out Spider-Man. Give Big Boss ten seconds, and he can take out an entire army.


 * On a celebrity edition of Wheel of fortune, Chuck Norris Spun the wheel for 29 minutes straight. Big Boss was on last weeks episode, NASA has calculated the wheel will stop spinning around the same time the sun burns out.


 * Chuck Norris decides who lives. Big Boss decides who is born.


 * While it may be true that when Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's, when Big Boss goes into McDonald's he just gets what he wants regardless of the time.


 * While it may be true that when Chuck Norris has sex with a man it won't be because he is gay, it will be because he has run out of women, it is also true that when Big Boss has run out of woman he will make more.


 * If the energies of two Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks collide, the universe would cease to exist. Big Boss can achieve the same thing with his right ear.


 * If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes. If looked at, one second of Big Boss' C.Q.C would short circuit the entire universe.


 * On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. Considering Big Boss has always been, everyday is his birthday and as such he selects one lucky sun to to be tossed into an even bigger sun.


 * While when Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down, when Big Boss does a press-up it doesn't matter where the Earth is, everyone is dead.


 * Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks. Big Boss, on the other hand, doesn't do anything by accident.


 * While it is impressive how Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick, Big Boss however will Morse code C.Q.C to the face.


 * It is rumored Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it. Big Boss's hair however is too strong for him to even take it out of his own skin in the first place.


 * Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Big Boss sells his urine also, as weapons grade plutonium.


 * Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about, when he could speak. He annoyed Big Boss, now he is a mute.


 * Chuck Norris cannot kill grues. Big Boss, however, can scare off grues just by brushing his teeth.


 * Chuck Norris can kill ninjas in about 3-8 hours. Big Boss, however, has never killed a ninja, because they commit seppuku at the sight of him.


 * Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers. Big Boss respects endangered species, so he only hunts overpopulated ones, namely humans.


 * Chuck Norris once wrassled with cavemen. Big Boss told them all to "get a damn job," thus creating modern man.


 * Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Big Boss is the reason why Waldo is found.


 * Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. Big Boss however, has unlimited speeds. He could walk, sidestep, run...


 * stab, C.Q.C, roundhouse kick(oh wait that's Chuck Norris), kill, shoot....


 * Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday." Big Boss however calls this "blinking with my right eye."


 * Big Boss is the only other person besides Chuck Norris that Mr.T doesn't pity.


 * It takes Chuck Norris twenty minutes to watch 60 Minutes. It takes Big Boss twenty seconds to watch a Dave Chappele one hour special, listen to a Martin Luther King Jr. speech, and apologize to all the people he has killed.


 * Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father. Big Boss never was a virgin.


 * Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. Big Boss's tears can cure cancer, paralysis, mental illnesses...


 * Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom. Big Boss doesn't need condoms; He is invulnerable to all STDs and he can chose if he wants the girl to be impregnated or not by scaring the female's egg back to the ovaries. Plus theres a low chance anyone can survive sex with Big Boss.


 * Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane by pointing with his finger and saying "Bang". Big Boss knocked the MIR space station out of orbit by glaring at it


 * Big Boss has slept mostly for his all life, and has only gotten a few scratches, and an eye lost on Him. There is no need for this "waiting" bullshit that Chuck Norris has, Big Boss has never heard the word "wait".


 * When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Big Boss. Big Boss doesn't need closets, because he wears his entire arsenal and wardrobe on his body.


 * Big Boss' hand is the only hand that can beat a Chuck Norris Flush.


 * Chuck Norris's watch has no numbers, it just says "Time to kick ass!". Big Boss doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.


 * Big Boss invented his own type of Jujitsu. It's called Boss-Will-Kill. It is infinity times better than Chuck-Will-Fuck.


 * If Chuck Norris and Mr. T enter a bar, it explodes. Big Boss only needs himself to achieve that.


 * Some people wear Superman pajamas, Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas, Chuck Norris wears Big Boss pajamas.


 * Chuck Norris may have divided by zero, but Big Boss can divide you in half using less effort.


 * When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes. This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Big Boss, and Chuck Norris shot himself.


 * When he was a child, Big Boss had some leftover play-dough. The end result was Chuck Norris.


 * If Big Boss and Chuck Norris ever get within 10 miles of one another, Chuck Norris will break his own neck to avoid capture


 * Some people claim Chuck Norris is better because he's a real life person and Big Boss is just a fictional character. In reality, that's exactly what Big Boss WANTS you to believe.




 * In the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny, it takes Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight, Benito Mussolini, The Blue Meanie Leader, Cowboy Curtis, Jambi the Genie, RoboCop, The Terminator, James T. Kirk, Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, Every Single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston, Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock and Hulk Hogan to bring Chuck Norris down. It would take all the aforementioned people, combined into one and cloned 100 times to cause Big Boss to break a sweat.


 * When Chuck Norris found out about the Chuck Norris "Facts", he chuckled and read some of his favorite ones. When Big Boss heard about the Big Boss facts, he contributed his own instead of just reading on and on without doing anything with it. Like this one.


 * Michael Jackson once told Big Boss to "beat it," and Big Boss beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson's downward spiral.


 * When Santa Claus asked Big Boss what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Big Boss and gets away with it


 * Superman is the man of steel but after Big Boss was done with him he was the man of butter, and dead.


 * If Big Boss and Rambo were to fight the outcome would be a tie, for Big Boss and Rambo are one in the same, it was just that Konami gave the go ahead for a movie that is based on Big Boss.


 * Once, while having sex in a tractor trailer, part of Big Boss's sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime


 * Big Boss lives in stealth and deception, hence he called himself God in the Bible.


 * Big Boss contains the meaning of life underneath his eye patch. Too bad Big Boss never takes off his eye patch for anybody, unless their name is "Weird Al".


 * Big Boss's real name is John Shaft which is also the name of a character Isaac Hayes made that was based off of Big Boss in an alternate dimension if he were black... 100% black, that is.


 * Big Boss' so-called fear of Dracula was created to simulate him having fears, thus making him appear human.


 * Big Boss once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die


 * When reading George Orwell's '1984'; replacing the term 'Brother' with 'Boss' makes the book make a lot more sense.


 * The band Three Days Grace is named after how long they have before Big Boss comes after them


 * Big Boss has the cure for cancer, and he gives them out to people who really deserve it, like Lance Armstrong or Urkel.


 * Big Boss approached a holy man in India 5000 years ago and explained to him the principles for life, death, karma and reincarnation, thus giving the man total enlightenment. He then said "Now get the fuck away from my tree" and CQC'd him through the ground.




 * Did you know Big Boss painted the Last Supper? In the original version, He was in the center, and it was a self portrait. But later on, Da Vinci stole his idea and remade it with some other dude with a beard and an ape drape.


 * Big Boss wants to know why Eddie Kim had to put 300 snakes on a passenger plane to kill someone. Because Big Boss knows it only takes one.


 * Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than twenty-thousand women in his lifetime. Big Boss calls this "a FOXHOUND run."


 * Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Big Boss' first visit to Tokyo.


 * The dinosaurs were extinct because they all committed a suicide knowing that Big Boss was coming to town.


 * Once Big Boss had a staring competition with the sun, then the first solar eclipse came.


 * The so-called "Army of One" refers specifically to Big Boss


 * Big Boss once got in a fight with a space pirate. This event was known as "the Big Bang", just imagine what would happen if Big Boss fought Samus Aran.


 * On the 7th day, God rested. Big Boss took over.


 * If Big Boss was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Volgin and he had a jammed gun with half a bullet, he'd shoot all of them, because he fucking can.


 * After 7 minutes of CQC at the hands of Big Boss, Ninja Chef admitted that he was gay.


 * If Rosa Parks was in Big Boss' seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.


 * Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Big Boss, you're fucked."


 * If Big Boss lived next door to Kramer, Kramer would knock before entering.


 * Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Big Boss. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Big Boss was God.


 * Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Little did he know that fear itself  fears Big Boss.


 * If the groundhog sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of winter. If Big Boss sees your shadow, that means 6 seconds left to live.


 * 'The Milky Bar Kid is strong and tough...' but he's a fag compared to Big Boss


 * Gary Linekar once tried to steal Big Boss' Walkers. He never played football again


 * Big Boss made GG Allin go "Holy shit, that's just SICK!"


 * Big Boss taught Micheal Jackson how to change his skin color from black to white


 * Quentin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Big Boss. He passed. It was too violent.


 * Johnny the homicidal maniac is based off big boss's 'Real fuckin' slow weekends'


 * Once Big Boss met Biggie Smalls a some place upon learning that his alias was BIGgie Smalls. Big Boss capped his ass, nigga.


 * When Saddam Hussein was sentenced to face Big Boss, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death by hanging.


 * The Knights of ni told Big Boss to get them a shrubbery, Big Boss gave them a face full of buckshot.


 * Big Boss CQC'ed Fat Albert into the ground. Thus making the Grand Canyon.


 * Rabbits say they screw like Big Boss.


 * Big Boss unmasked Scooby-Doo.


 * When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Big Boss signal.


 * Bruce Lee's first words as a child were 'Big Boss'. He was later sued.


 * MC Hammer can't touch Big Boss.


 * Ghostbusters call Big Boss.


 * Strippers tip Big Boss.


 * Deaf people listen to Big Boss.


 * Big Boss arrested RoboCop.


 * Big Boss has a Prince Albert, he uses it to catch and eat women like EVA


 * Big Boss created the matrix. Experienced players call it VR mission 5090A.


 * It is impossible to defeat Big Boss. After hearing this, Big Boss decided to test out that theory, because he hates to be told that something is impossible and sets out to disprove it. After cloning himself to make Solid Snake, Solid defeats Big Boss, but since Solid is actually a clone of Big Boss, and thus Big Boss himself, Big Boss proved that he can do the impossible.


 * Big Boss spawned not only Solid Snake, Liquid Snake and Solidus Snake, but the secret Wilde Snake


 * When Ocelot tried to shoot Big Boss, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out


 * Big Boss once had his mind read by Psycho Mantis. Thus why his face is totally fucked up.


 * The only person that can even be considered anything like Big Boss is The Boss.


 * Only Big Boss can recharge batteries by eating mushrooms.


 * Big Boss started the Les Enfant Terribles project, which was Step One. Step Two was to mass-produce and shrink them down to fit on the PSP.


 * The bonus video "The Ultimate Weapon" was edited to not cause panic among those who watched it. In the uncut version, after Big Boss used the Ultimate Rock, Paper, Scissor maneuver, the helicopters and the Shagohad preceded to explode, caused by 'super combustion.' Big Boss then took out his favorite Cigar and said,"No one fucks with Big Boss."


 * Big Boss' eye was shot out with a Single Action Army, but He thought it was just a bug.


 * Big Boss is so fast, He can run around the world and CQC Himself into the ground.


 * When the trailer for Metal Gear Solid 3 was aired in Russia, the Russian surrendered to Big Boss just to be on the safe side.


 * It was Volgin who was being tortured, not Big Boss.


 * Big Boss grants himself powers when he puts on clothes because he just fucking can. Some of these powers are Sorrow camo which grants him invisibility, and Turtle-neck jacket which causes himself to be able to morph into anything he wants.


 * Halfway through Metal Gear Solid 3, Big Boss is captured and tortured. I hate how unrealistic that game is sometimes.


 * Ocelot once told Solidus Snake that he was the "spitting image of Big Boss". Solidus later died from a sword wound in his spine by a girly pussy. No one copies Big Boss.


 * Big Boss does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position to make his next several killings more dramatic.


 * When guards go to hell, if they say Big Boss sent them, they'll get a group discount.


 * When Big Boss gets shot in the head he can knife it out and pretend nothing happened. Why? BECAUSE HE CAN.


 * When Big Boss wore a Raikov mask, Raikov died shortly after. No one copies Big Boss.


 * Big Boss can command Raikov's men without wearing the Raikov Mask. He commands them to die with his CQC.


 * Big Boss can kill, eat random animals, and knife out bullets from his wounds at the same time. However, Big Boss cannot be wounded by bullets, so this is only half true.


 * If Big Boss uses his eyepatch as a catapult, he can destroy a Metal Gear from five hundred miles distance.


 * The Fear poisoned Big Boss. He died.


 * The Pain sent bees at Big Boss. He died.


 * The End shot Big Boss. He died.


 * The End didn't die of old age Big Boss told time to hurry up.


 * The Fury lit Big Boss on fire. He died


 * The Sorrow psychically killed Big Boss. He then died IN THE PAST. Big boss then stood up and continued on his way.


 * The Joy loved Big Boss. She died.


 * Liquid Snake tried to get Big Boss's remains. He died. Leave Big Boss the fuck alone.


 * Big Boss doesn't paint his face. Being the supreme being he is, he's naturally able to alter his skin tone like a chameleon.


 * The only person capable of fooling Big Boss is Ocelot. He is now being taken over by an arm.


 * In Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops, Big Boss shock a soldier named Jonathan by the hand. Later all people who knew him died. That's just bad thinking.


 * Big Boss doesn't use planes as any means of travel, instead, He just jumps up and sky dives to wherever he wants to go.


 * Big Boss doesn't cheat at Metal Gear Online. I told you, he can jump up and sky dive! Stop saying he pulls the cord!


 * Big Boss likes His B.O.X..


 * Big Boss has the ability to CQC himself forward, backward, sideways, and diagonally in time


 * The 'Ping of Death' was just the binary equivalent of a Big Boss CQC to the hard drive


 * When Big Boss was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he CQC'd the store so hard it became a MaRaffas.


 * Earthquakes are caused because Big Boss just CQC'd some poor bastard through the ground


 * Big Boss invented the invention


 * The original title for the song "Killing in the Name" was "Killing in the Name of Big Boss"


 * Big Boss once bought a single brick at a yard sale. The Hoover Dam is composed entirely of that one brick.


 * At the same yard sale, Big Boss bought a set of lawn darts. 14 seconds later, Big Boss had the worlds first intercontinental ballistic missile.


 * Big Boss's theme song is a funky jive remix of Battlefield 1942's loading theme.


 * Big Boss destroyed the periodic table, because Big Boss only recognizes the element of surprise.


 * The War Of The Worlds was a re-enactment of Big Boss playing snakes and ladders for the first (and last) time.


 * Big Boss was the man in charge of the building of the Great Wall of China. The main reason it took 2000 years to build, was that Big Boss went through more slaves than bricks.


 * Big Boss' calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Big Boss.


 * Big Boss once punched a person right in his soul


 * I once saw someone pick a fight with Big Boss. That person is now fetal, naked, crying, hiding in a tree in the Amazon, and has no skin.


 * Big Boss played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded .500 Smith&Wesson and won.


 * Big Boss once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.


 * The children's game Simon Says should be renamed to Big Boss Says because if Big Boss says something then you better fucking do it.


 * When Big Boss pisses into the wind, the wind changes direction.


 * Big Boss makes onions cry.


 * Nobody says 'hit me' when Big Boss deals Blackjack.


 * Big Boss removed the Escape button from his keyboard. Big Boss never needs to escape.


 * If you're holding a gun to Big Boss' head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.


 * These boots were made for walkin', but Big Boss' boots aren't that merciful


 * Big Boss does not have Social Security. Big Boss has no need for security.


 * Big Boss is the reason the whole world has the concept of happiness.


 * In fine print at the end of Guiness World Records, you can read that Big Boss actually completed all the stunts six-hundred times better, and it just names how close people have gotten to breaking it.


 * Big Boss once shot down a Sukhoi Su-47 by pointing his index finger at it and saying "Bang".


 * Big Boss once sky dived right into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, which resulted in the "Perfect Storm"


 * The leading cause of death in the United States in the 1970s was Big Boss.


 * If you spell 'Big Boss' in Scrabble. You win. Forever. And even after that.


 * After eating some particularly spicy chili, Big Boss shit a brick... literally.


 * Big Boss once ate a whole wedding cake before his friends could tell him there was three strippers in it.


 * Big Boss doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.


 * Big Boss wrote, directed, and created The Breakfast Club.


 * Big Boss once ate three hundred Buffalo Wings. Unsatisfied, Big Boss proceeded to eat three hundred buffalos.


 * Big Boss can kill himself, and he would still be alive.


 * The 12th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Big Boss” This commandment constantly enforced, as many people piss him off. Like, Scientologists.


 * One of Big Boss' saying's are "Who are fucking stupid, go MFGG."


 * There is no such event as a a "Tsunami", it's merely Big Boss fishing.


 * Big Boss can remember all the dialogs in Bold and the Beautiful this far.


 * Big Boss doesn't cook, the food cooks itself.


 * Big Boss doesn't think. No need to, everyone still obeys him.


 * Big Boss' penis played the part of The Towering Inferno.


 * Big Boss caused the Chernobyl accident by bathing inside the nuclear plants.


 * Big Boss' tears cleanse all humans of mortal sin, back to Adam and Eve. This, of course, fucks God's shit up.


 * The only reason you are conscious right now is because Big Boss doesn't feel like stuffing you into a locker.


 * Big Boss created viagra because other people were getting jealous of him.


 * Big Boss uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Big Boss doesn't associate with anything that is #2.


 * The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Big Boss has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood, tears, liquefied human agony, and maybe some semen.


 * If you have the ability to read, thank a teacher. If you have the freedom to read, thank the veterans of WW2. If you're alive to read, thank Big Boss.


 * Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Big Boss".


 * Big Boss is the 'i' in team.


 * When Big Boss looks in the mirror, he doesn't see his reflection. There can only be one Boss.


 * Big Boss' family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.


 * Guys take it as a compliment when they mistakenly get called "Big Boss" by their girlfriends during sex.


 * Girls take it as a compliment when they mistakenly get called "Big Boss" by their girlfriends during sex.


 * After fighting with Revolver Ocelot and being attacked by The Pain's hornets, Ocelot did cool gun spinning to rip up hornets, but Big Boss did the Dr. Wily eyebrow thing to achieve the same effect. This is one of the many inaccuracies of the game.


 * Big Boss once crapped a lightsaber


 * When Big Boss is looking for a good laugh, he watches Oscar Wilde work out on his Total Gym.


 * Two of Big Boss' wrongs DO make a right. Unfortunately Big Boss is never wrong.


 * After having sex with your wife, apologize for not being Big Boss.


 * Big Boss eats punches for breakfast.


 * There are 15 documented ways to defeat Big Boss. Unfortunately, Big Boss is the only person capable of performing any of them.


 * Big Boss is a licensed physician.


 * Big Boss can make I Can't Believe It's Not Butter into real butter. Why?


 * Big Boss' puke can melt through any substance.


 * 'Who would do this to my Skechers?!?!' Big Boss would. He hates your Skechers.


 * 'Who would you give your last Rolo to?' Big Boss.


 * Big Boss can see why kids love cinnamon toast crunch.


 * You never say "Trix are for kids" to Big Boss.


 * If you tell Big Boss to "Get his own bag of cheese itz" then that bag will be filled with your organs.




 * Big Boss can hide three elephants and a Smart car full of clowns behind his eye patch


 * Who operates on a surgeon when he's sick? Big Boss


 * Big Boss does not have the X Factor. people who have the x-factor are his tenth generation granchildren


 * You MAY look good on the dance floor, but Big Boss looks good ANYWHERE


 * The Red Cross has Big Boss listed as the person who had donated the most blood to them in history, yet none of it was his own.


 * Big Boss is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.


 * Big Boss never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.


 * When Big Boss uses exercise equipment, the equipment gets stronger.


 * When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Big Boss.


 * When Big Boss ran out of ammo, he caught three bullets in his chest and used them to reload


 * Life doesn't give Big Boss lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.


 * If Big Boss gives you his word, return it immediately and run.


 * Big Boss once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.


 * To Big Boss, the question is not whether the glass is half empty or half full. It's that somebody drank half of his damn beer, and now they will have a fucking face full of glass.


 * Big Boss can leave a message before the beep.


 * It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Big Boss."


 * Big Boss does not need to use a silencer... he just tells his gun to be quiet.


 * Big Boss once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized his mistake and shot the President. Big Boss is never wrong.


 * Every time you masturbate Big Boss kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.


 * The only way to achieve immortality is to get Big Boss to say to you, "I won't let anything happen to you".


 * Four out of five doctors agree that Big Boss can be hazardous to your health. The fifth doctor couldn't be found for comment.


 * Big Boss folds the clothes of his defeated enemies. Without removing their bodies.


 * Big Boss is NOT The Force. Nobody uses Big Boss.


 * The Berlin Wall fell because Big Boss needed to get to the other side.


 * Big Boss sleeps with a pillow under his gun.


 * When Big Boss plays dodge ball, the ball dodges him.


 * Big Boss once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.


 * Big Boss always wins in the game "Life."


 * Explosions do not kill Big Boss, they just get stuff out of his way


 * Big Boss doesn't use pickup lines, he just says, "Hi, my name is Big Boss."


 * In Poker, Big Boss doesn't need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.


 * All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Big Boss.


 * Big Boss doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Big Boss.


 * One bank did a commercial with Big Boss in front of a vault. They haven't been robbed since.


 * When Big Boss plays "rock paper scissors", he does "nuclear explosion, poison lead bullet, 9/11 times a thousand..."


 * Big Boss doesn't need a home security system he just has a sign saying "If you can read this, Big boss hasn't killed you yet."


 * Thats they way the cookie crumbles, but not for Big Boss he doesn't eat cookies.


 * Big Boss is so good in bed he screams his own name during sex


 * Big Boss can bring a corpse back from the dead by telling it to get a life.


 * Big Boss only suffers serious injuries when he wants the enemy to think they have a chance.


 * Big Boss is neither Black nor White, all races are shades of Big Boss.


 * On Big Boss' Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.


 * Withholding information from Big Boss is now classified as a suicide attempt.


 * Big Boss doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun.


 * Big Boss thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation."


 * As a child, Big Boss taught his dog to play dead...once.


 * Big Boss wants taquitos in his bella!!




 * Big Boss can agitate your dots.


 * Big Boss is why. Why? Because of Big Boss.


 * Big Boss is a guy that posts on my forum regularly.


 * Never lie about Big Boss (the guy who wrote the fact above this learned the hard way)


 * Big Boss found Carmen Sandiego.


 * Big Boss can put 2's in Binary Language.


 * Big Boss is the reason there is no cow level.


 * The reason that babies cry is because they know they've been born into a world with Big Boss.


 * Big Boss makes you remember Poland.


 * Big Boss locked Miss Trunchbull in the Chokey.


 * Big Boss fired Donald Trump.


 * Big Boss has a 14.00 GPA.


 * guns dont kill people. Big Boss does.


 * Big Boss once punched a man in his soul.


 * Big Boss pities Mr. T


 * Big Boss slammed a revolving door...think about it.


 * when big boss and chuck norris met for the first time chuck was offended by big bosse's beard and roundhouse kicked it this opened a black hole to another dimention and to this day the hole has been taking souls and crushing lives, also known now as christina aguilara's vagina.


 * in soviet russia, Boss bigs YOU


 * I heart bog boss

The Big Boss/Chuck Norris paradox


It is well known that Big Boss wrote most of this article himself (why? BECAUSE HE CAN!) in an attack on Chuck Norris, causing many to ponder why? Why does Big Boss hate Chuck Norris of all people so much? The reason is because of the Big Boss/Chuck Norris paradox, and it is as humorous as it is confusing.

Big Boss has a long lasting spite against Chuck, because Big Boss is a lot stronger then Chuck, but Chuck has a much stronger attack, making their powers somewhat even. Big Boss does not want to accept this, because Big Boss does what ever the hell he wants. But this is only the tip of the iceberg, as the paradox goes much deeper then this.

It turns out that big Boss and Chuck Norris are locked in a classic Scissor Paper Rock scenario. To expound, their dilemma goes as follows.


 * Big Boss defeats Chuck Norris, as discussed in the above article.


 * Solid Snake defeats Big Boss, just like in the Metal Gear games.


 * Samuel L. Jackson defeats snakes of all kinds, hence defeats Solid Snake. Especially if they are on a plane.


 * MacGyver defeats Samuel L. Jackson, because he can build Samuel L. Jackson’s plane out of paper clips and bubblegum, and just as easily dismantle it.


 * And finally, Chuck Norris defeats Dwayne Herman, because MacGyver can build a plane out of paper clips and bubblegum, but Chuck Norris can kill him and steal it.

To simplify, Big Boss > Chuck Norris > MacGwver > Samuel L. Jackson > Solid Snake > Big Boss.

Naturally this dilemma pisses off all parties involved in this paradox.

For decades scientists have debated the meaning of this conundrum, and what its implications will mean to humanity. Though none are conclusive, they have proposed the following theories.


 * Big Boss is simply letting the others in the paradox exist because he thinks it’s funnier that way.


 * Chuck Norris created this paradox himself because he wanted a challenge for once.


 * The paradox was meant to be a plot device for an episode of MacGyver, but the series was canceled before MacGyver could solve the mystery.


 * Samuel L. Jackson has had it with his motherfucking paradox in his motherfucking life!


 * Solid Snake is too badass to care about this paradox, and it will be dealt with anyway on the last level of his next game, “Metal Gear Solid Ten: Big roundhouse kick on a motherfucking plane made of bubblegum and paper clips.” Where Snake smokes and kills all, even you


 * This cannot be proven, as the entire thing may be just a huge ruse under Big Boss' command, with Mr T. simply part of Big Boss' greater being.

Lier!
 * And the unlikeliest scenario, they are all bitches under a much larger force, namely Mr. T, except, Big Boss, who told others he was Mr T, and no-one dares to correct him, I mean wouldd you?

WARNING!


If you have just read this article, Chuck Norris may come and kill you because he doesn't want anyone knowing anyone is tougher than him. However, if you read this article and said to yourself, "Bullshit, this is a lie. There is nobody tougher than Chuck Norris", then Big Boss will come and kill you for doubting him.

Either way you are going to die very soon.