Xenu

Xenu was the evil ruler of this part of the galaxy 75 million years ago. To cure overpopulation he drugged and paralyzed billions of people after first summoning them for tax inspections, and froze them in ethylene glycol (antifreeze). Then he flew the paralysed people to Earth in interstellar rocket planes, which looked like DC8s. He stacked them round volcanoes and killed them with hydrogen bombs lowered into the volcanoes.

In Scientology, people have souls called thetans, and Xenu didn’t want the thetans to reincarnate, so he forced them to watch confusing films with horrible lies. The poor thetans were told they were God, the Devil and Christ. They were all these things together. And they were confused so they believed it. Then the souls left the cinema and started clumping together. And today these souls are clumped round you and me and everyone else. And we can’t get rid of them unless we pay the Scientologists thousands and thousands of pounds, dollars, or euros.

Unfortunately for the Evil Lord Xenu, L. Ron Hubbard made a wonderful discovery: once you have signed over your life savings to the Church of Scientology and gone through thousands of hours of "auditing" sessions with an E-Meter, you can be "clear" of all the "engrams" affecting your subconscious (reactive mind). There are many of these "engrams" stored in each person's brain and auditing just keeps on uncovering more of them going all the way back through all your past lives to the time of the Evil Lord Xenu. This is just the first step. Having been freed from the reactive mind, the "clear" can then go on to become an Operating Thetan, with immense powers to control space, matter, and time.

To become an Operating Thetan, of course, means giving more money to the Church of Scientology and going through several more levels of training. Only during the OTIII (Operating Thetan III) training is a person deemed fit to be told of the above story about Xenu, ethylene glycol, and the volcanoes. OTIII is a very dangerous process and the information revealed in it is deadly to somebody not prepared to handle it. Anyone who has read the above without first going through all the levels is at grave risk of death or pneumonia. Oops, you already read it, didn't you? If you believe all that, Scientology has a "bridge" to sell you, and it ain't cheap.

If Scientology weren’t causing so much harm that would be funny.