American Civil War

The American Civil War was a war between the good, real American, patriotic, democratic, North, and the evil, racist, conservative, dark empire of the South.

The beginning
It all started in the 1850's. The North was a very nice place, where white and black people lived happy which each other. The birds sang, the bees hummed, and flowers were all over the place.

In the meantime, the dark empire of the South was a nasty, evil place, where racist rich landowners held black slaves, because they were too lazy to work themselves. In the meantime, they said that the black where lazy, so they felt good about themselves. This, however, happens daily on Conservapedia

Something about Kansas
Then, both the North and the South wanted to add the state of Kansas to their territory, probably to increase their size. The Northerners were good, friendly liberal democrats. So they wanted to talk about it, and form a committee on this problem. But the damned Southerners took their weapons and began to shout "yeeeee-haaaaw!". Then they shot at the poor Northerners. Now that wasn’t nice at all.

The South started the war
Then Abraham Lincoln, who was a Republican (, said "No more, stupid Southerners!". The Republicans were the Liberal political party back in the day, believe it or not). The Southerners got mad, and they began to start a new country, called the Confederate States of America. It was headed by Jefferson Davis.

Hostilities began on April 12, 1861, when the evil racist Southern forces attacked a Northern installation at Fort Sumter in South Carolina. Lincoln decided to stop this. Lincoln organizied a large volunteer Liberal army, which was about to form some more committees. Then four more damned racist redneck Southern states declared their secession.

In 1862, battles such as Shiloh and Antietam caused massive casualties unprecedented in U.S. military history. The only problem we have is with those poor Northern boys. In September 1862, Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation made ending slavery in the South a war goal, and that was very nice of him.

So Abraham Lincoln used the mobilized army and for 4 years there was war. The Southern troopers were really nasty. They ate babies and raped innocent elderly people. In Kentucky, 6 innocent clowns where brutally taken hostage by the evil Southern rednecks. They were tortured, like in that movie Hostel. You should see it sometime. Abraham Lincoln was, by the way, murdered by an evil guy named John Wilkes Booth, because evil guys don't like good guys.

Victory to the North
Anyway, in 1865, the great, democratic, liberal North won (hurray!). Good doesn’t always triumph over evil but this time it did. The Southern Negroes were freed, but they still had to live with some damned rednecks. And the rednecks could not stand it that they're asses had been kicked. So the Southerners started the KKK, and began to set houses of innocent, unarmed people on fire. That is of course the bravest thing for a Southerner to do.

And that is how it all ended. Ever since, the Southerners still think they sort of won the war, but we know better.