Republican

A republican is obviously a person who is from the American Republican Party. Republicans are sometimes racist, they don't do enough to help poor blacks or poor whites, Republicans are also usually sexist because the Religious Right is influential among Republicans, unfortunately Evangelical Christians try to keep women in the home and submissive to their husbands. Republicans are partly made up of very rich people and evangelical Christians. Republicans include Rednecks who don't understand the party they vote for harms them.

Earlier Republicans
Republicans weren't always bad (as a matter of fact, Abraham Lincoln who was the father of the Republican party would be considered highly Democratic nowadays. Back then, Republicans were Liberal and the Democrats were conservatives). How things have changed.

Republicans today
Republicans oppose pretty much everything the Democratic Party does, even if it is logical and beneficial to America. For example: they were once very supportive of civil rights, but when the Democrates started passing the civil rights bill, they immediatly became against it. The same does for everything they used to stand for: homosexual rights, enviormental protection, gun control, abortion, stem cell research, ect.

Rich Republicans
The rich, greedy Republicans (like big buisiness owners) often are ruthless towards people of lower status in Capitalism. A lot of times, they want to cut taxes for the rich, because they apperently can't *afford* it. Instead, they let the poor go hungry and let illnesses kill their victims (because according to them, health care is "socialism"). Instead of actually helping the poor or even donating a FRACTION of their money, the Republicans say "the poor should rise themselves up". Yeah, because that's an easy thing to do in this economy...

Religous Republicans
Next, we have the over-religious Southerner type of Republicans, the ones who almost regularly oppose many sensible scientific theories because they think the Devil put it all on Earth to refute the "truth" of there being a magical sky daddy. Evolution is one of the biggest scientific theories they oppose. Some Republicans even also oppose Einstein's Theory of relativity because they think Jesus can do things faster than the speed of light (according to Conservapedia) or because they imagine relativity means the same as moral relativism. These Conservatives mostly live in the Bible Belt, otherwise known as the deep south, also known (by Liberapedia) as America's skin rash.

Republican so-called ethics
Republicans tend to have one of the most absurd opinions toward philosophy. Acoording to them, abortion is wrong but the death penalty is right. Stem-cell research is wrong, but letting the rich consume the Earth's natural resources, meanwhile destroying the enviornment, is right. They think Obama is an evil Nazi who is, at the same time, a Muslim because he's a black democrat (he's actually Christian, by the way.) Republicans barely have any morals. Unless of course, you consider hating Jews, Blacks, South Americans, Central Americans, Mexicans, Arabs, Asians, Native Americans, building polluting oil wells, trying to shut down benificial scientific progress, starting insane rumors about Democrats, opposing Interracial marriage, surpressing women's rights, telling a rape victim or a pregnant teen she can't have an abortion, trying to get rid of all homosexuals, letting people roam in the streets ARMED with deadly assult rifles (lack of gun control), or not caring about the hungry, poor people... being moral.

History
However, during the mid to late 1800s, the term "Republican" was associated with Liberals, such as Abraham Lincoln. Also, the Democrats were conservative. This continued until about the early 1900s, when the Liberals and the Conservatives switched parties. (There still are a few Moderate Republicans around if you look for them.)

To be a Republican
To be a Republican, you must first worship the Republican god, Ronald Reagan, and second you must become an overall hypocrite who thinks the world revolves around America. If you refuse to do these things, then you are a automatically a terrorist, according to conservatives.

What they Believe

 * The white male Christian God should be the only object of worship on the planet, except for things that Republicans worship.
 * Power and wealth should remain in the hands of 1% of the world's population while the remaining 99% starve.
 * Health care should be privatized so the poor can't afford basic medication. Universal Health Care is a creation of the devil.
 * A rape victim living on welfare should be forced to care for a baby she didn't even ask for.Republican_whack.gif
 * The United States is the only real country on Earth and all those other countries they read about are just fakes invented by communists or terrorists.
 * That Ronald Reagan was the greatest U.S. president of all time.


 * That Bill Clinton was the worst U.S. president of all time, simply because he had sexual relations with that slut.


 * Government should not give handouts to anyone. Except oil, natural gas, and coal companies, the military, and wall street bankers


 * That liberals are the cancer that is destroying America, and that only conservatism can save the country, no matter how much the economy worsened under Bush.


 * That the status quo is perfect and ideal.


 * That ex-president Dubya actually knew what he was doing.


 * That all Jewish people are really a race of evil, 7-foot tall, blood-drinking, extraterrestrial reptilian humanoids who control everything and caused every major war that has ever taken place in human history, and are responsible for the current recession the U.S. faces, as well as for taking all your money, which ended up funding the war on oil "under mysterious circumstances", because Dubya obviously isn't Jewish, see. They also think that the Jews are a biproduct of Eve and Satan, and are "inhuman scum who ought to be wiped off the face of the earth", and... just face it, for nearly everything that goes wrong in America they are to blame, they scapegoat the Jews when they aren't scapegoating the liberals. Albert Einstein was Jewish, forget that. They plan to get rid of Jews by sending them to Israel where they will be slaughtered by Islamic suicide bombers.


 * That Global Warming is a myth, even though almost all scientists agree it is a real and serious problem.


 * That Evolution is a myth. (Conservatives obviously never evolved.)
 * That Barack Obama is an evil communist, terrorist and secret Muslim who wants to destroy our freedom. (Obama's an atheist as well as a Muslim according to Conservapedia. We've no idea how they work that one out.)

What They Do
They're a bunch of conservative cowards that vote on prejudices. They are the party that simultaneously symbolize communism and totalitarianism while preaching otherwise.

They support spending tax money on lead-zers (lasers made of lead) to zap the poor with. Other thing they support are their country, their leader and their god. We are not entirely sure what a "god" is, but our intelligence reports (which are always right, of course) detect that it is some form of cottage cheese.

Members are expected to prostitute themselves to Ronald Reagan's memory.

Patriotism?
Our scientists have failed to find out why republicans claim that their patriotism is unquestionable and why everyone who has a different opinion on that is un-american, but they assumed it's got something to do their low IQ. It's not a problem for them when they have to go send other people to war for their country but however, they aren't willing to pay Taxes for it.

Republican course of action during an economic crisis
The following was taken from Rush Limbaugh's book What to do When One of us Screws up (Again). The book was published for ardent Republicans and conservatives pundits only, but they were stupid enough to give it to Stephen Colbert thinking he was actually a conservative.

During the presidency
''Do not start a conversation regarding the presidency or the administration, but however, if someone asks you about it, approve silently. (...) If you're alone with only one person and if he/she starts calling the administration corrupt, brand him/her an Un-american. (...) try not to mention the current administration and try to change the subject in a conversation regarding it.''

After the presidency/what to do regarding the elected Democratic president (at the specific moment, Obama)
''Brand the new president as a socialist and try anything (regardless of how desperate it is) to make him/her look bad. (...) Try to defend the Republican presidency by blaming the economic crisis on congress and the new president.''

After the crisis
Don't ever credit the president for fixing the economy, either try to credit the congress GOP or claim that the economy has fixed it self.

Things Republicans Hate With a Passion

 * Jews
 * Blacks
 * Homosexuals
 * Asians
 * Hispanics
 * Abortion
 * Native Americans
 * Liberals
 * Peace
 * RINOs
 * Rhinos
 * Judaism
 * Islam
 * Hinduism
 * Communism
 * Socialism
 * Atheists (or anything remotely associated with Atheism, such as the theory of Evolution)
 * Agnostics
 * Immigration by non-Anglo-Saxon individuals
 * Bill Clinton (who Ann Coulter claims must be gay because he has sex with lots of women. Make note of how this claim both contradicts the word 'gay' as used in this context, and what it reveals to us about Ann Coulter herself.)
 * Hilary Clinton (every Republican's ultimate arch-nemesis)
 * Barack Obama
 * Universal Health Care
 * The middle and lower classes
 * The left wing
 * Moderates
 * The environment
 * Taxes especially if rich people have to pay them
 * Taxes if the tax money is to be used for other purposes apart from funding an exciting war
 * Changing the status quo
 * Their employees (or, if they are among the countless low-to-middle-class sheep that are herded by neo-conservatism, a hatred for their own otherwise garanteed workers' rights, which are somehow supposed to be unconstitutional.)
 * Diplomacy
 * Al Gore
 * Democracy (especially if that means Al Gore getting elected instead of Dubya)
 * Freedom (for minorities or people of other nations)
 * Equality ("because the WHITE race is OBVIOUSLY SUPERIOR!!1onenineelevenone!")
 * Evolution
 * Feminism
 * Catholics (with some exceptions, i.e. Mel Gibson)
 * Common Sense
 * Harry S Truman
 * Jimmy Carter
 * Anyone opposed to the Iraq War
 * Anyone who disses Ronald Reagan on any level for any reason
 * Jon Stewart (because they refuse to admit that he's completely right about them)
 * Liberapedia, because they simply can't handle the truth that Liberapedia dictates
 * Irish-Americans
 * The French, because they aren't stingy about pointing out the obvious flaws of conservatism, and of the wreck Republicans have always been making of America and other countries, past and present
 * Richard Dawkins
 * Love
 * Anyone who disagrees with them
 * Anyone who likes this topic
 * Anyone who hates republicans