Conservative

A Conservative is someone who tends to base their motives on religion. They do not see things as subjective in many cases, and many are strict believers of solid biblical principles. Conservatives are sink or swim. They tend to favor gun freedom and the Second Amendment. Conservatives are the natural enemy of the Liberal, born from the fiery pits of a secular hell. They do not believe in government financial aid and generally oppose welfare and free/cheap government funded medical aid even more they oppose Universal Health Care. They think war and oil are more important than education and healthcare. They believe that all money should belong to them, along with all power. They believe that the poor are poor because they are either stupid, lazy, or born in a Third World country, and to solve the latter problem, ship jobs off to Third World countries. Many Conservatives define themselves as "Republicans". They tend to side with intolerance over public safety and legislation. A conservative is normally single-minded and can not comprehend even the slightest bit of objectivity. This is commonly attributed to religious zeal. Their views on most policies are fed from a desire to run within a system of absolutes. Most of them will never debate a "conservative issue" due to their delicate sensibilities.

A popular stereotype of the conservative is a rich, white, Unitedstatesian or British man.

Conservatism is born from an underlying insecurity of one's place in the world. Thusly, they are often motivated by religion and tradition, and vote for candidates who tend to have very fiery demeanors and propose radical war movements.

Conservative principles
Most conservatives claim their principles are:


 * Checking change on tradition, Conservatives imagine the 19th Century was much better than the 21st Century.
 * A strong national defense and starting wars in places like Iraq, making things worse
 * Return of religious superstition in public schools
 * The Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms, as long as such possession does not threaten national security (provided Conservatives are in control of the nation; otherwise a threat to national security is considered a Popular Movement.) What about School shootings and the like? Hard luck.
 * Running the economy so far too much gets into the hands of the rich
 * Stronger law enforcement and anti-crime laws, including the death penalty, they like to punish people but don't care much about helping criminals to reform
 * Parents, rather than school teachers, educating children about sex. If parents don’t educate properly, oh well, more parents.
 * Choice in education, especially favoring private schools and homeschooling If homeschooled kids aren’t properly educated that’s hard luck.
 * Private medical care and retirement plans. They tend to be against Universal health care.
 * Weakening or cancellation of social support programs.
 * Prohibition of abortion
 * Opposition to same-sex marriage and homosexuals
 * Support of laws against pornography. In spite of this porn is popular in the Bible Belt.
 * Generally opposed to the United Nations
 * Support enforcement of current laws regarding immigration
 * Support tightening of border security
 * Jingoism, support for getting soldiers killed
 * Low taxes, especially in upper income brackets. This goes with not helping those who need help.
 * Less power for the federal government and more for local and state governments
 * Racism and Neo-nazism
 * *Note: From 1854-1908, "Republican" still had the meaning Lincoln intended, which is "liberal". From 1909 onward, it meant "Conservative".
 * A persistant belief that strongly held and oft-repeated ideas have a stronger influence on reality than, well, reality.

Breeds of Conservatives
As with any large grouping or community, there are a few different types of conservatives.

It must be noted that while we poke fun at Conservatives, they are not all terrible people. In fact rarely does Political Ideology have sway over how one acts towards another, save for conversations about or around Politics. However, the evangelical ones at Conservapedia are, so prepare for a healthy dose of satire.

Old Conservatives
An Old Conservative tends to be old (obviously), bald and greying, and a worshipper of Satan, while pretending to be a Christian to appeal more to the conservative masses. They have also been known to carry flasks with oil in them to drink when thirsty and briefcases containing blood diamonds. In America, many Republicans are typical Old Conservatives.

Middle Conservatives
A Middle Conservative is a conservative in the middle class of society. They tend to favour conservatism because of their hate to give their money to poor people. Middle conservatives who hold jobs in managerial positions at conglomerates can also referred to as managerial conservatives.

Young Conservatives
Young Conservatives are conservatives of a younger generation than the tradition Republican conservative, however, young conservatives gradually become old conservatives with time. Young Conservatives sometimes adopt "liberal" policies on social matters for mass appeal as they are more in touch with a younger generation than old Conservatives. However, once in power, they will tax you into poverty. A noteworthy example of a young conservative is British Conservative Party leader David Cameron.

Hillbilly
Hillbillies are Americans who typically come from the Southern States of America. They tend to live in caravans and are seen in popular cultures as surviving through inbreeding. Hillbillies tend to support conservatism because of it's traditional intolerance of Black people. Commonly mistaken for Redneck but not the same as the definition of redneck is a lack of sophistication. The fact most rednecks live in areas populated by conservatives is partly a coincidence though worldwide rural people tend to be Conservative, and there are allegedly liberal rednecks, mostly in Minnesota and other Great lakes bordering states.

Evangelical Conservatives
An Evangelical Conservative believes that if you are not a devout Christian that follows the Bible by the letter, you will go to Hell when you die. They tend to support conservatism because of it's traditional advocacy of straitlacedness (I don't known if that's a real word) in social matters, and reject typical liberalism because of it's support for things like abortion. See Christian fundamentalism.

Conservapedians
Conservapedians are evangelical conservatives who run a website called Conservapedia. However, they are different to evangelical conservatives in that they take in interest in world politics rather than just religion. If you do not hold the exact same views as them, or try and provide a rational argument against any of their ideas, you will find yourself blocked for five years. Typical Conservapedians also NEVER EVER EVER admit fault or defeat. Some different types of Conservatives such as John McCain will admit defeat as McCain graciously did after losing the 2008 US presidential election to Barack Obama. Conservapedians, however do not, as there is not one praising comment on their website to Barack Obama (now their president), and very few, if any at all, to other liberals.

Conservative Atheist
A Conservative Atheist is the name given to any conservative who classes themself as an atheist but holds conservative beliefs. These are very rare and usually they classify themselves as "Libertarian as most do not think that gays should be stoned (Ayn Rand may be an exception). They are usually more liberal than an average conservative, simply because they don't believe in creationism, God and the fact that being a homosexual is a disease. Though they do support war, vote for conservatives and hate progressive taxes.

Let's try and find something nice about the Conservatives
President Obama is in favor of inclusiveness. Question: Does that mean we should really try and see if we can find anything at all that's nice about Conservatives? Reply: Conservatives would undoubtedly find that extremely gay and prefer we say something mean about liberals. They are a bunch of bigoted... well nevermind... the conservatives I mean.

The conservative revival
Conservatives are a dying breed, by definition, and yet their numbers are quickly growing. Why? Professor Herman Swaotzer believes this is because ideas keep falling out of fashion and into tradition. "Fifty years ago you were a liberal if you thought dancing was not an open invitation to the succubus." (Of course, Dr. Swaotzer is referring to the US, if you don't know by now that you should always assume this, for anything written in American.) "With the proliferations of the internets, liberal trends are having to swim faster than ever to maintain their novelty. In addition, good ideas are more quickly being assimilated into tradition, while liberals are left trying to defend the freakish remains."

The Origin Of Conservatism
Scientists believe conservatism was a type of humor that was very popular in the end of 18th century. Rich and influential, but mentally ass-backwards politicians took it seriously and started the Right-Wing movement. Soon, the Church joined it and spreaded it through the world infesting the economy and stopping all the social and economic progress.

Famous Conservatives

 * George W. Bush
 * Rush Limbaugh
 * Ann Coulter
 * The Schlafly family
 * Any "concerned mother"
 * Dick Cheney
 * Satan
 * Adolf Hitler
 * Hal Turner
 * Ronald Reagan
 * Rick Warren
 * Anyone who thinks America should still be, or should ever have even invaded, Iraq
 * John McCain
 * Sarah Palin
 * Chimpanzees
 * God