Conservative

Note! This article includes parody and satire as well as factural information.

A Conservative is someone who tends to base their motives on religion. They do not see things as subjective in many cases, and many are strict believers of solid biblical principles. Conservatives are sink or swim. They tend to favor gun freedom and the Second Amendment. Conservatives are the natural enemy of the Liberal, born from the fiery pits of a secular hell. They do not believe in government financial aid and generally oppose welfare and free/cheap government funded medical aid. They believe that all money should belong to them, along with all power. Many Conservatives define themselves as "Republicans". They tend to side with intolerance over public safety and legislation. A conservative is normally single-minded and can not comprehend even the slightest bit of objectivity. This is commonly attributed to religious zeal. Their views on most policies are fed from a desire to run within a system of absolutes. Most of them will never debate a "conservative issue" due to their delicate sensibilities.

A popular stereotype of the conservative is a rich, white, Unitedstatesian man.

Conservatism is born from an underlying insecurity of one's place in the world. Thusly, they are often motivated by religion and tradition, and vote for candidates who tend to have very fiery demeanors and propose radical war movements.

Conservative principles
Most conservatives claim their principles are:


 * Checking change on tradition
 * A strong national defense
 * Return of prayer in school
 * The Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms, as long as such possession does not threaten national security
 * Economic allocative efficiency (as opposed to popular equity)
 * Stronger law enforcement and anti-crime laws, including the death penalty
 * Parents, rather than school teachers, educating children about sex
 * Choice in education
 * Private medical care and retirement plans
 * Weakening or cancellation of failed social support programs
 * Prohibition of abortion
 * Opposition to same-sex marriage licenses and homosexuals
 * Support of laws against pornography
 * Generally opposed to the United Nations
 * Support enforcement of current laws regarding immigration
 * Support tightening of border security
 * Respect for our military... past and present
 * Low taxes, especially in upper income brackets
 * Opening foreign markets to U.S. products
 * Less power for the federal government and more for local and state governments
 * Racism and neo-nazism
 * *Note: From 1854-1908, "Republican" still had the meaning Lincoln intended, which is "liberal". From 1909 onward, it meant "Conservative".

Breeds of Conservatives
As with any large grouping or community, there are a few different types of conservatives.

It must be noted that while we poke fun at Conservatives, they are not all terrible people. However, the evangelical ones at Conservapedia are, so prepare for a healthy dose of satire.

Old Conservatives
An Old Conservative tends to be old (obviously), bald and greying, and a worshipper of Satan, while pretending to be a Christian to appeal more to the conservative masses. They have also been known to carry flasks with oil in them to drink when thirsty and briefcases containing blood diamonds. In America, many Republicans are typical Old Conservatives.

Middle Conservatives
A Middle Conservative is a conservative in the middle class of society. They tend to favour conservatism because of their hate to give their money to poor people. Middle conservatives who hold jobs in managerial positions at conglomerates can also reffered to as managerial conservatives.

Young Conservatives
Young Conservatives are conservatives of a younger generation than the tradition Republican conservative, however, young conservatives gradually become old conservatives with time. Young Conservatives sometimes adopt "liberal" policies on social matters for mass appeal as they are more in touch with a younger generation than old Conservatives. However, once in power, they will tax you into poverty. A noteworthy example of a young conservative is British Conservative Party leader David Cameron.

Hillbilly
Also known as Redneck, hillbillies are Americans who typically come from the Southern States of America. They tend to live in caravans and are seen in popular cultures as surviving through inbreeding. Hillbillies tend to support conservatism because of it's traditional intolerance of Black people.

Evangelical Conservatives
An Evangelical Conservative believes that if you are not a devout Christian that follows the Bible by the letter, you will go to Hell when you die. They tend to support conservatism because of it's traditional advocacy of straitlacedness (I don't known if that's a real word) in social matters, and reject typical liberalism because of it's support for things like abortion.

Conservapedians
Conservapedians are evangelical conservatives who run a website called Conservapedia. However, they are different to evangelical conservatives in that they take in interest in world politics rather than just religion. If you do not hold the exact same views as them, or try and provide a rational argument against any of their ideas, you will find yourself blocked for five years. Typical Conservapedians also NEVER EVER EVER admit fault or defeat. Some different types of Conservatives such as John McCain will admit defeat as McCain graciously did after losing the 2008 US presidential election to Barack Obama. Conservapedians, however do not, as there is not one praising comment on their website to Barack Obama (now their president), and very few, if any at all, to other liberals.

Conservative Atheist
A Conservative Atheist is the name given to any conservative who classes themself as an atheist but holds conservative beliefs.