Jesus Christ

Seriously there's at least one character who can't tell when we're joking! Jesus Christ of Nazareth, or maybe Jesus "Hussein" Christ, (Without an original birth certificate we may never know), (Capricorn) was the son of Mary and Joseph or perhaps he was a mythological figure.

Many believe Christians are deluded and their views aren't tolerated. Contrary to popular belief, both liberals and conservatives can be Christian, it just depends on whether you respect what Jesus said, or what a bunch of rightwing fruitcakes have extracted from the rest of the Bible. This however, is argued to be untrue by fear-mongers and haters of love. However, he could make a mean fish supper. Like many modern celebrities Jesus is mainly famous because of who his dad was. Jesus is of course also famous for rising from the dead and becoming a Zombie, see Zombie Jesus

Jesus was Black. Seriously Jesus was a dark skinned Jew and as dark as the Arabs in that region are today. Many nice white Christians look down on people with that skin color. They wouldn't want anyone as dark as Jesus or Obama in their churches. Not all Christians are bad that way.

Liberal Perspective on who Jesus really was
Jesus is a liberal hippie socialist who lived on the Earth from about 4 BCE to about 37 CE. He was conceived out of wedlock and was born in either Bethlehem or Nazareth to a liberal feminist woman named Mary, the daughter of St. Anne, through Immaculate Conception and her liberal, very forgiving and loving husband Joseph. He had long hair, wore sandals, advocated peace and love, said "blessed are the peacemakers", and its "easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the gates of heaven", and meant it, and believed he could cure illnesses, hence proving the fact that he may have been the first hippie ever. This could have happened threough the high amount of weed/opium/narcotics Jesus and his followers may have taken in their good times. He travelled much around the middle-east during his life. He gained many followers, taught about kindness and goodness, and claimed to be the Son of God and stuck to his word. Roman conservatives who hated his liberal ideas crucified him, but he was brought back to life using science. Overall he was a pretty cool guy (he walked on water, wasn't afraid of anything, and was much nicer than his dad) but his reputation has been tarnished by his horrible fan club.

Conservative Perspective and distortions on who Jesus was
According to conservatives, Jesus was a conservative who lived from December 25th 1 BC to Easter AD 33. He was born from the Virgin Mary in a wooden manger, surrounded by three dudes who weren't even kings, and a bunch of farm animals. After being born, he grew a beard and killed all the godless Arabs in Israel, and anyone else you wouldn't want anywhere near you before you start loving thy neighbours. After proclaiming himself the son of god, the Romans attempted to assassinate him, but being a conservative he was able to kill them all because of his right to bear weapons. Conservatives are only divided as to whether when he said blessed are the peacemakers he was talking about Fireballs or Firearms. He then killed all abortion doctors, wrote the bible (In English), threatened everybody in the world to call his daddy if they didn't take it literally, and proceeded to go to heaven where he continued to look after Former President Bush. All good Christians are conservative like Jesus was. Also, he was a pure-bred anglo-saxon, not a Middle Easterner, and he hated virtually all blacks, Jews, Arabs, Asians, and anyone else who wasn't a WASP (White Anglo-Saxon Protestant) whose true followers are conservative WASPs who live in America, which is blessed by God.

Jesus was the son of God, was also God, God was Jesus, and was the Word. Word - are you confused yet? You should be.

Who the Historical Jesus really was
Jesus was an itinerant Jewish prophet from Narzareth who wandered around the land of Palestine during the first century C.E. proclaiming the arrival of the Kingdom of God. Like the Jewish prophets of the Hebrew Scriptures, he spoke out against the abuses of the priesthood of the Israelite religion, but on the grounds that the Law of Moses was not to be trifled with by human beings and that Yahweh would come to the defense of the weak and downtrodden. Also akin to the ancient Jewish prophets, Jesus often used brain-teasing parables to make his points, most likely to avoid allowing immoderate individuals to seize upon his often radical views too easily. In particular, he seems to have consciously styled his ministry in large part on that of the Old Testament figure Elijah, declaring himself to be the final Elijah-like prophet of the end times which many Jews in his day looked forward to the arrival of on what they thought was the basis of their Scriptures. He was apparently known as a miracle-worker in his own day and age, declaring that "if it was by the finger of God" that such wonders took place that the coming Reigning of God over this world was now be broken in by his ministry and making itself felt now in the freedom given to the Israelites from their often-torturous ailments.

Unlike his asetic mentor John the Plunger, Jesus was in his own day prohibited his disciples from fasting and was often called a glutton and a drunkard for the apparently wild celebrations he seems to have held as a way of annoucing the glories of life in the soon-coming Reigning of God over this world. Furthermore, he seems to have been purposedly undiscriminating in these celebrations, holding table fellowship with tax collectors and other sinners considered outcasts by mainstream Israelite religion, apparently trying to gather together all of Israel as a nation against the sectarian movements which threatened to divide Israel's unity in the face of their Roman oppressors. Even more strange for a pious Jew of his day, Jesus seems to have had many unchaperoned women within the train of disciples who followed him around Israel, and to have taught them at least the rudiments of Jewish law (considered an invitation to the attacks of "the evil one" by many Jews of the time). However, it also seems quite probable that Jesus lived a celibate life, as the historical records are completely silent on data concerning Jesus's proposed wife despite naming many of his women followers in a manner quite unusual for his day, and also because of the following stark phrase which most likely reaches back to the historical Jesus himself: "Some are born eunuchs, other are made eunuchs by men, and some eunuch-ize themselves for the Kingdom of God. Let him who can take this, take it," (quoted from its current position within the Gospel of Matthew, though not verbatim and with its probable original emphasis).

Jesus absolutely prohibited his followers from divorcing the wives they might take, excepting cases of incest, and from taking oaths of any kind. He apparently took a common-sense approach towards taking the Sabbath (namely, that one should hold it, but not under conditions which directly threaten the lives or well-being of others), and to have been studiedly indifferent to the question of the purity rules of the Jewish Scriptures. It is uncertain whether he really is the source of the command to "love one's enemies" (though its similar starkness to his other more assured phrases does incline many towards thinking that he probably is), but the historical Jesus is almost certainly the source of the ranking of "loving God with all one's heart" and then "loving one's neighbors as oneself" as the first and then second highest commands within the Mosaic Law. However, the idea that all the rest of the commands of the Law hang upon those two commandments as their key is probably a product of Matthew's theology, and does not go back to the Jesus of Nazareth himself. He appears to have rountinely went to the Temple of the Jewish religion in Jerusalem to celebrate the holidays on the basis of the lunar calendar of mainstream Judaism (even celebrating the then relatively new Jewish holiday of Hanukah) and to use the religious pilgrims as an audience for his message.

In the final week of his life, he finally assented to the wide-spread conception amongst his audience that he was of Davidic descent by entering into Jerusalem upon a donkey (something that the Jews of his time expected the Messiah to do based on the Scriptures). He then caused a commotion in the Temple during the Passover celebration by viciously denouncing the proceedings as profaning the name of God to the world and whipping the sacrificial animals the merchants were exchanging for Caesar's idolatorously-graven coinage (and probably exhorting a profit off their fellow Israelites on the grounds of helping them to avoid the risks of following the clear demands of the Law by doing so) out of the Temple. This was probably a declaration of his Davidic role vis a vis the Temple of priviledging the demands of the religious cult of the nation in the secular conduct of the nation, which he understood the highest demands of to be "love of God" and then "love of neighbor", neither of which the Temple was following. The symbolic destruction of the Temple thus acted out was probably intended to declare God's stern disapproval of this deplorable situation, and to call Yahweh forward to ultimately defend his people's culture now that he had initiated the extension of "love of God" and "love of neighbor" as the highest commands of justice into all areas of Israel's life, the general resurrection at the beginning of the Reigning of God over the world thus securing their interests as God's chosen people beyond any suffering the Romans could try to impose upon them (incidentally, this was a doctrine which the sect of Sadducees who controlled the Temple and who allowed such things to take place did not believe in). But because of his demand for the Temple to be embody God's justice and thus a worthy house for the prayers of the nations, he was soon condemned by the Sanhedrin under the charge of blasphemy for implicitly declaring for himself (a lowly peasant from Galilee) the powers of the Annointed Messiah of Israel, and turned over to the Roman authorities for death by crucifixion, which the Romans mockingly did under the nationally-humiliating title of "The King of the Jews" in order to quelch any sense of insurrection against the powers of the Empire and its leadership of the province which may have otherwise occurred as a result of Jesus's deeds.

This did not exactly work out the way that they had hoped.

Romans killed Jesus
Well one thing the Romans did for us was they crucified Jesus. Christians always believed that Pontius Pilate condemned Jesus and Roman soldiers crucified him. Can we be sure of that? We can’t. We can be sure of one thing. The Jews didn’t crucify Jesus. Romans crucified people, Jews didn’t. When Jews wanted to kill people in a cruel way they stoned people to death [1]. Why are the Jews blamed for the Crucifixion? Because bigoted ass-holes blame the Jews for absolutely EVERYTHING that goes wrong, past or present. The dominant group decides whom to punish. If Christianity had remained a Jewish sect we would have a different story and any blood guilt would be on the Romans. One thing the Romans did for us was they crucified Jesus probably and gave Anti-Semites an excuse to get Jews for the next 2,000 years.

Miracles

 * Mary convinced Joseph that it was the holy spirit that impregnated her.
 * Proved the pagan materialist Archimedes wrong by walking on water. And he did not do it on TV unlike the fraud Criss Angels.
 * Turned water to wine by converting the water molecules to ethanol molecules. He somehow magically introduced the carbon atoms not present in water to it.
 * Spent forty days without food or water beating the current Guinness World Record.
 * Healing a dumb man by kicking out the evil spirit that caused it.
 * Drowned 2000 pigs.
 * Heal blind man by spitting on his eyes.
 * Was able to see the whole world from top of a mountain proving that earth is flat. This also tried to prove that the 8 trillions spent in the last 100 years for Nasa was useless and could have been spent in war or to spread hate like conservatives do.

Books

 * The Dad Delusion ISBN 77713666