Jesus Christ

This article is part satire. Please don't take it all seriously. Jesus Christ of Nazareth (Capricorn) is the son of Mary and Joseph. Christians believe that Jesus died for their sins, many believe Christians are deluded and their views aren't tolerated. Contrary to popular belief, both liberals and conservatives can be Christian, just depends on your opinion. This however, is argued to be untrue by fear-mongers and haters of love. If you run across somebody who still believes in the death and resurrection of Jesus, teach them about Charles Darwin and his amazing book, The Origin of Species. However, he could make a mean fish supper. Like many modern celebrities Jesus is only famous because of who is father was.

Jesus was Black. Seriously Jesus was a dark skinned Jewish Arab. Many nice white Christians look down on people with that skin color. They wouldn't want anyone as dark as Jesus or Obama in their churches. Not all Christians are bad that way.

Liberal Perspective on who Jesus was
Jesus was a liberal hippie who lived from about 4 BCE to about 37 CE. He was conceived out of wedlock and was born in either Bethlehem or Nazareth to a woman named Mary and her liberal, forgiving husband Joesph. He had long hair, wore sandals, advocated peace and love, and believed he could cure illnesses, hence proving the fact that he may had been the first hippie ever. This could have happened by the high amount of weed/opium/narcotics Jesus and his followers may have took in their good times. He traveled much around the middle-east during his life. He gained many followers, taught about kindness and goodness, and claimed to be the Son of God. Roman conservatives which hated his liberal ideas crucified him, but he was brought back to life using science. All true Christians (and hippies) are liberal like Jesus was. Overall he was a pretty cool guy (eh walks on water and doesn't get afraid of anything) whose reputation has been tarnished by his horrible fan-club (conservatives).

Conservative Perspective on who Jesus was
Jesus was a conservative who lived from about 0 BC to about AD 33. He was born from the Virgin Mary in a wooden manger, surrounded by 3 dudes who weren't even kings, and a bunch of farm animals. After being born, he grew a beard and killed all the godless Arabs in Israel. After proclaiming himself the son of god, the Romans attempted to assassinate him, but being a conservative he was able to kill them all because of his right to bear weapons. He then killed all abortion doctors, wrote the bible, threatened everybody in the world to call his daddy if they didn't took it literally, and proceeded to go to heaven where he continued to look after President Bush. All good Christians are conservative like Jesus was. Also, he was a pure-bred anglo-saxon, not a Middle Eastern, and he hated virtually all blacks, Jews, Arabs, Asians, and anyone else who wasn't a WASP (White Anglo-Saxon Protestant) whose TRUE followers are conservative WASPs who live in America, which is blessed by God.

Jesus was the son of God, was also God, God was Jesus, and was the Word. Word - are you confused yet? You should be.

Romans killed Jesus
Well one thing the Romans did for us was they crucified Jesus. Christians always believed that Pontius Pilate condemned Jesus and Roman soldiers crucified him. Can we be sure of that? We can’t. We can be sure of one thing. The Jews didn’t crucify Jesus. Romans crucified people Jews didn’t. When Jews wanted to kill people in a cruel way they stoned people to death. Why are the Jews blamed for the Crucifiction? Because bigoted assholes blame the Jews for absolutely EVERYTHING that goes wrong, past or present. The dominant group decides whom to punish. If Christianity had remained a Jewish sect we would have a different story and any blood guilt would be on the Romans. One thing the Romans did for us was they crucified Jesus probably and gave Anti-Semites an excuse to get Jews for the next 2,000 years.

Books

 * The Dad Delusion ISBN 77713666