Jesus Christ

Seriously there's at least one character who can't tell when we're joking!

Jesus Christ of Nazareth, or maybe Jesus "Hussein" Christ, (Without an original birth certificate we may never know), (Capricorn) is the son of Mary and Joseph. Christians believe that Jesus died for their sins, many believe Christians are deluded and their views aren't tolerated. Contrary to popular belief, both liberals and conservatives can be Christian, it just depends on whether you respect what Jesus said, or what a bunch of rightwing fruitcakes have extracted from the rest of the Bible. This however, is argued to be untrue by fear-mongers and haters of love. If you run across somebody who still believes in the death and resurrection of Jesus, teach them about Charles Darwin and his amazing book, The Origin of Species. However, he could make a mean fish supper. Like many modern celebrities Jesus is mainly famous because of who his dad was. Jesus is of course also famous for rising from the dead and becoming a Zombie, see Zombie Jesus

Jesus was Black. Seriously Jesus was a dark skinned Jew and as dark as the Arabs in that region are today. Many nice white Christians look down on people with that skin color. They wouldn't want anyone as dark as Jesus or Obama in their churches. Not all Christians are bad that way.

Liberal Perspective on who Jesus was
Jesus was a liberal hippie who lived from about 4 BCE to about 37 CE. He was conceived out of wedlock and was born in either Bethlehem or Nazareth to a woman named Mary and her liberal, forgiving husband Joseph. He had long hair, wore sandals, advocated peace and love, said "blessed are the peacemakers", and its "easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the gates of heaven", and meant it, and believed he could cure illnesses, hence proving the fact that he may had been the first hippie ever. This could have happened by the high amount of weed/opium/narcotics Jesus and his followers may have took in their good times. He travelled much around the middle-east during his life. He gained many followers, taught about kindness and goodness, and claimed to be the Son of God. Roman conservatives who hated his liberal ideas crucified him, but he was brought back to life using science. Overall he was a pretty cool guy (he walks on water and wasn't afraid of anything) whose reputation has been tarnished by his horrible fan club.

Conservative Perspective on who Jesus was
Jesus was a conservative who lived from December 25th 1 BC to Easter AD 33. He was born from the Virgin Mary in a wooden manger, surrounded by three dudes who weren't even kings, and a bunch of farm animals. After being born, he grew a beard and killed all the godless Arabs in Israel, and anyone else you wouldn't want anywhere near you before you start loving thy neighbours. After proclaiming himself the son of god, the Romans attempted to assassinate him, but being a conservative he was able to kill them all because of his right to bear weapons. Conservatives are only divided as to whether when he said blessed are the peacemakers he was talking about Fireballs or Firearms. He then killed all abortion doctors, wrote the bible (In English), threatened everybody in the world to call his daddy if they didn't took it literally, and proceeded to go to heaven where he continued to look after Former President Bush. All good Christians are conservative like Jesus was. Also, he was a pure-bred anglo-saxon, not a Middle Easterner, and he hated virtually all blacks, Jews, Arabs, Asians, and anyone else who wasn't a WASP (White Anglo-Saxon Protestant) whose true followers are conservative WASPs who live in America, which is blessed by God.

Jesus was the son of God, was also God, God was Jesus, and was the Word. Word - are you confused yet? You should be.

Romans killed Jesus
Well one thing the Romans did for us was they crucified Jesus. Christians always believed that Pontius Pilate condemned Jesus and Roman soldiers crucified him. Can we be sure of that? We can’t. We can be sure of one thing. The Jews didn’t crucify Jesus. Romans crucified people, Jews didn’t. When Jews wanted to kill people in a cruel way they stoned people to death [1]. Why are the Jews blamed for the Crucifixion? Because bigoted ass-holes blame the Jews for absolutely EVERYTHING that goes wrong, past or present. The dominant group decides whom to punish. If Christianity had remained a Jewish sect we would have a different story and any blood guilt would be on the Romans. One thing the Romans did for us was they crucified Jesus probably and gave Anti-Semites an excuse to get Jews for the next 2,000 years.

Miracles

 * Mary convinced Joseph that it was the holy spirit that impregnated her.
 * Proved the pagan materialist Archimedes wrong by walking on water. And he did not do it on TV unlike the fraud Criss Angels.
 * Turned water to wine by converting the water molecules to ethanol molecules. He somehow magically introduced the carbon atoms not present in water to it.
 * Spent forty days without food or water beating the current Guinness World Record.
 * Healing a dumb man by kicking out the evil spirit that caused it.
 * Drowned 2000 pigs.
 * Heal blind man by spitting on his eyes.
 * Was able to see the whole world from top of a mountain proving that earth is flat. This also tried to prove that the 8 trillions spent in the last 100 years for Nasa was useless and could have been spent in war or to spread hate like conservatives do.

Books

 * The Dad Delusion ISBN 77713666