Michael Steele

Michael Stephen Steele (born October 19, 1958) is an African-American politician, chairman of the Republican National Committee, bizzarro Barack Obama, former lieutenant Governor of Maryland, Fox News contributor and a giant ham.

Steele is seemingly the next model in a recent line of inept Republican officials who have risen to power simply because they are the seen as an antidote to a major democratic candidate rather than being something unhelpful like, say, a strong advocate for their constituents positions.

Through his frequent use of "slang" and attempts to appeal to urban youth, it is unclear if Steele is actually an African-American holding a high office in the Republican Party or just trying to be what most Republicans officials imagined an African-American holding a high office in the Republican Party may look like.

Early Life
Steele is not merely a fictional character of American Folklore, but a real person. He was born on an air force base and adopted. Though Steele was raised in a minimum wage, single-parent family with democratic tendencies, Steele switched to the Republican party when he realized being a black Republican would get him way more honorary awards from the Chamber of Commerce.

Steele has said that he identified with Ronald Reagan's message of "pulling one's self up by the bootstraps." Why he was wearing strap-adorned boots in urban Maryland is still a mystery, but this belief from his youth proved early on that he was both strong-willed as well as completely unable to understand subtext.

Steele attended Johns Hopkins University where he was captain of the fencing team, two of the primary reasons Nas will never write a rap song about him, but Stephen Colbert will. At Johns Hopkins (a principle breeding ground for two famous species of dick: doctors and "dudes" who are "hardcore into lacrosse"), Steele followed in the tried and true Republican leadership tradition of attending a great University whilst barely passing. He was almost expelled after his first year.

After graduation, Steele entered the seminary to become a Catholic priest. Later, probably after actually considering what a lifetime vow of celibacy really meant, Steele decided to forego the priesthood and continue having sex with women, challenging as it may be for a former musical theater nut and member of the fencing team.

Start at Politics
After obtaining a Juris Dicktorate and becoming a corporate lawyer, Steele failed the Maryland bar exam. He went on to run a failed legal consulting firm. This would become a pattern.

It was around this time that Steele realized his potential as a political failure was far more promising than his career in corporate law and he decided to begin working for the Maryland Republican party.

In what must have been a scene out of a Mel Brooks film, Maryland state party officials were most likely dumbstruck upon first meeting Steele, but quickly guided him up the ranks until he was nominated as a candidate for Lieutenant Governor. Unfortunately, unlike most actors in Mel Brooks films, Steele did not disappear to never be heard from again.

In 2006, Steele ran unsuccessfully for the Senate with the help of Karl Rove and Dick Cheney.

At the 2008 Republican Convention, one of Steele's first major acts as a national public dick was to introduce one of the most irritating political cheers in American history: "Drill baby, drill." In an interesting turn of events, this phrase would later be chanted by legions of Sarah Palin supporters in a frightening display that would reaffirm why most black people wanted nothing to do with the Republican Party.

The ability to incite white people in cowboy hats to angry chanting and the inability to understand the nuance of a global energy crisis being major qualification for the position, Steele decided to run for chairmanship of the Republican National committee. Steele refuted critics by saying, "I am a Republican who happens to be African-American," which brought the total number of individuals believing that to: 1.

After the political success of Barack Obama, the GOP decided to capitalize on the trend and promote the only guy who looked like Obama that they could find to be the head of their party, Michael Steele.

RNC Chairmen
With Republican funds in short supply after the 2008 election, Steele decided that would be a perfect time to remodel his entire RNC office. It is currently unclear if it is the energy platform or the economic platform that requires having a bowflex for the office

During his first embattled month on the job, Steele guest hosted the William Bennett radio show. In addition to attempting to draw connections between the Obama and Nixon administrations as well as referring to Benito Mussolini as "Roberto Mussolini" (a common mistake among people who skipped 10th grade history), he also claimed that there's no such thing as global warming and that instead we're in a period of "global cooling."

He has claimed that his gaffes are all "strategic." Many observers of this unique stratagem are anxious to discover where fucking up Mussolini's first name fits in.

Micheal Steele says that he will run for president if god wants him to. Many are unsure how he will do this when he couldn't do the first thing God asked him to do, stop having sex with women.

He may have showed some sort of balls when he challenged Rush Limbaugh he later reverted to the traditional Conservative tradition of sucking Limbaugh's cock.